South Park · Season 3, Episode 2
“Spontaneous Combustion” · Season 3, Episode 2
In this episode: Eric Cartman (7), Stan Marsh (5), Kyle Broflovski (5), Randy Marsh (3), Priest Maxi (3), Kenny McCormick (1), Officer Barbrady (1), Mayor (1)
I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
What?
(muffled speech)
Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?
Kenny [muffled]: Yeah, dude. She saved me.
Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--
[Kenny's body spontaneously ignites and quickly turns to ashes, surprising Cartman, Stan, and Kyle]
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
What the hell happened to him?
He just...ignited.
That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?
So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.
[on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!
What are you doing, Dad?
Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!
He he he! Really?
Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
Or else what?
Exactly!
Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
The what?
It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!
Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]
[resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?
I'm going to be Jesus!
You're too fat to be Jesus!
Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!
Stan should be Jesus.
Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!
You're such a fat baby!
Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
[Randy's dream]
[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
We love you, Randy.
Make love to me, Randy. Please!
I got something to tell you.
What?
You're not gonna like it.
What?
It's really going to piss you off.
What?
Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!
[wakes up] Goddammit!
Blessed be the name of Jesus!
It's a great name, isn't it?
[to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
