I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.
But can't you at least just give me a ride?
No can do, Amigo.
Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.
[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings]
Are you Brian?
Oh, no.
S15Carter and Tricia
S15How the Griffin Stole Christmas
[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]
You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.
Really?
[the kids look out the window]
Wow! It's so beautiful.
Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
I don't think that's right.
No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.
I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.
Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.
[cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]
Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?
Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]
Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.
[Quagmire comes up to him]
Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?
Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...
[covers up]
Okay, bye.
S15Passenger Fatty-Seven
I’m Joy.
I’m Sadness.
I’m Anger.
I’m Disgust.
I’m Poo.
RRiley
Oooh, I need to use the bathroom.
Peter, wh-what the hell are you doing with a pick-up truck?
Well, I don't know.
S15Gronkowsbees
Uh, listen, Gronk, um, it's getting kind of late. Don't you think maybe it's time to call it a night?
RGRob Gronkowski
Yeah, sure. Hey, have you ever seen a spikenard explode?
A what? A spikenard? Is that something on the Internet? 'Cause I...
[Gronk takes the towel off his shoulder, twirls it into a rope, and snaps Peter in the groin with it]
AHH! Damn it! What the hell?!
RGRob Gronkowski
[laughs] Dude, relax. I was just kidding.
You were kidding about what? What was the joke?
RGRob Gronkowski
This was! [he slaps Peter in his groin again]
Oh, damn it! You hit the seam!
[Gronk and his friends laugh again]
You know what? You're a jerk, Gronk! That's it. I'm gonna rid of that bastard. Just like how I kicked the British folks out of America.
[cutaway to colonial America]
This tyranny shall not stand! For without liberty...
[Gronk runs up and slaps Peter's groin with a towel]
Ah, crap! He's even in the cutaways! [groans in pain] Just cut to commercial. I'm gonna squat here and hold onto this bench.
RGRob Gronkowski
[realizes Peter and his friends were getting rid of him] What's going on here? Are you guys trying to get rid of me?
Yeah, we are trying to get rid of you!
RGRob Gronkowski
Why?
'Cause you're a pain in the ass to live next to! I mean, what the hell, Gronk? Why you gotta be like this! You're a *millionaire*! You have the sweetest job in the world, you can do whatever you want! Why do you gotta act like such an idiot all the time?
RGRob Gronkowski
It's not a choice, Grover. Or rather, an obligation. You see, I'm been groomed for this my entire life. Scoring touchdowns, making people laugh, punishing my body... And in the name, all in the name of entertainment. Don't you understand? I'm a commodity. A product. A modern day gladiator. You ask about the why's and the therefore's behind the boorish fascade. The answer is simple: I play a jester because society deems it neccessary. [Peter and his friends stare at him in awe] Also, I'm fucking insane! Eat a butt, fatty! Gronk ain't going nowhere!
S15Peter's Def Jam
[Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]
I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?
Sorry amigo, not interested.
I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands. [crashes into a wall] Ow! Damn it! I hate this house.
[Peter walks in as Lois leaves]
Go to Hell!
S15The Finer Strings
Ugh, this is gonna suck. 80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.
I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.
I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.
Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.
Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?
Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.
Who else?
Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Hey, hope you feel better soon.
That doesn't sound like the whole family.
[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.
Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.
[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.
Ah, I don't care.
S15The Dating Game
[Stewie walks into the room, groaning in pain]
What's wrong with you?
It's my back. It's killing me.
Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.
No, this time it's not a bit. I'm in so much pain. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.
MMan
Good afternoon and welcome to today's auction. I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have devised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.
S15Cop and a Half-wit
Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
That's what they got you doing down there?
Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.
It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.
So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?
Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.