Jeff quotes from Family Guy

Jeff

[about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter

Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Hey!

Peter

Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Quagmire

Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.

Peter

You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire

What?

Peter

That's his name?

Quagmire

Yeah.

Peter

Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe

Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire

Well, why not?

Peter

What do you mean?

Quagmire

The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.

Joe

Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter

You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

You're about to have a neat day.

Joe

Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.

Quagmire

No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!

Joe

It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].

Jeff

WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff

WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!

I'm so sorry!

Jeff

HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].

Joe

Let's waste this dick.

Jeff

[Last Words] What the hell?! I killed you!

Quagmire

I choke myself everyday you bastard!

We now return to Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Jeff Garlin just repeats everything Larry says.

So, I put on the shirt.

Jeff

YOU PUT ON THE SHIRT!!!

I paid for it.

Jeff

YOU PAID FOR IT!!!

Eh, I'm startin' to think you're, uh, the weakest link in the cast.

Jeff

EASILY THE WEAKEST LINK!!!