Family Guy quotes

Stewie

Ugh, this is going to be a Lois episode. [to the audience] Game of Thrones is on.

You know, sometimes I just wanna jump off this balcony and into that pool down there.

So do it.

Yeah, I know, right? [chuckles] Do it!

Yeah, do it.

I know, I totally should, right? Here I go. 1... 2... 3... Whoa! [laughs] Can you imagine?

Yeah, I can imagine. It would be fun. You should do it.

If only it were that easy, right?

It is. It... It looks deep enough. It's your pool. It's your house. You can do whatever you want.

I know, right? Uh, you know, I can't right now. My pool guy's cleaning it.

Are you going to bone her?

Tom

I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later. Let's everyone drive someone else's car.

Someone can take my coop.

I'm riding with Gatsby, I don't care which car.

I'll take someone in Daisy's car.

Tom

I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car.

Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?

Tom

Who's Jay?

Gatsby.

Tom

Okay, I have never heard anyone call him that.

Look, if you're in your car, you're in the wrong car.

Lois

Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?

Well, there are children in the room. Watch your swearing.

Joe

I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.

But can't you at least just give me a ride?

Joe

No can do, Amigo.

Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.

Joe

Are you Brian?

Carter

Oh, no.

Peter

You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.

Really?

Meg

Wow! It's so beautiful.

Peter

Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.

Chris

I don't think that's right.

Peter

No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.

Stewie

Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

Peter

Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?

Bonnie

Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]

Peter

Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.

Quagmire

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Peter

Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...

Quagmire

Okay, bye.

Chris

I’m Joy.

Meg

I’m Sadness.

Stewie

I’m Anger.

Lois

I’m Disgust.

Peter

I’m Poo.

Oooh, I need to use the bathroom.

Lois

Peter, wh-what the hell are you doing with a pick-up truck?

Peter

Well, I don't know.

Peter

Uh, listen, Gronk, um, it's getting kind of late. Don't you think maybe it's time to call it a night?

Yeah, sure. Hey, have you ever seen a spikenard explode?

Peter

A what? A spikenard? Is that something on the Internet? 'Cause I...

Peter

AHH! Damn it! What the hell?!

[laughs] Dude, relax. I was just kidding.

Peter

You were kidding about what? What was the joke?

This was! [he slaps Peter in his groin again]

Peter

Oh, damn it! You hit the seam!

Peter

You know what? You're a jerk, Gronk! That's it. I'm gonna rid of that bastard. Just like how I kicked the British folks out of America.

Peter

This tyranny shall not stand! For without liberty...

Peter

Ah, crap! He's even in the cutaways! [groans in pain] Just cut to commercial. I'm gonna squat here and hold onto this bench.

[realizes Peter and his friends were getting rid of him] What's going on here? Are you guys trying to get rid of me?

Peter

Yeah, we are trying to get rid of you!

Why?

Peter

'Cause you're a pain in the ass to live next to! I mean, what the hell, Gronk? Why you gotta be like this! You're a *millionaire*! You have the sweetest job in the world, you can do whatever you want! Why do you gotta act like such an idiot all the time?

It's not a choice, Grover. Or rather, an obligation. You see, I'm been groomed for this my entire life. Scoring touchdowns, making people laugh, punishing my body... And in the name, all in the name of entertainment. Don't you understand? I'm a commodity. A product. A modern day gladiator. You ask about the why's and the therefore's behind the boorish fascade. The answer is simple: I play a jester because society deems it neccessary. [Peter and his friends stare at him in awe] Also, I'm fucking insane! Eat a butt, fatty! Gronk ain't going nowhere!

Meg

I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?

Chris

Sorry amigo, not interested.

Lois

I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands. [crashes into a wall] Ow! Damn it! I hate this house.

Lois

Go to Hell!

Ugh, this is gonna suck. 80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Lois

I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.

Carter

I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.

Lois

Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.

Carter

Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?

Lois

Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.

Carter

Who else?

Lois

Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

Carter

That doesn't sound like the whole family.

Lois

[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Carter

Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

Lois

[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.

Carter

Ah, I don't care.