TV show quotes
[Stewie walks into the room, groaning in pain]
What's wrong with you?
It's my back. It's killing me.
Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.
No, this time it's not a bit. I'm in so much pain. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.
Good afternoon and welcome to today's auction. I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have devised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.
Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
That's what they got you doing down there?
Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.
It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.
So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?
Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.
[when Chris kills himself when Peter tells him he runs like a girl, he is shown at his funeral in a dress]
Run like a man, you get a suit.
Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.
Okay, Well then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.
Okay, now you heard Mom say I'm in charge. So, I just wanna lay a few ground rules.
Yep.
I promise we're gonna have fun, but there will be a schedule.
Uh-huh.
Just to keep everything running smoothly.
Sure, gotta have boundaries.
And I may assign a chore or two.
Sounds great, Meg.
Because it's more fun when everyone pitches in.
Hey, by the way.
[Stewie sprays Meg with a garden hose]
AAAAAAAAH!
I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.
Well, well. If it isn't Meg Griffin.
Leave me alone, you guys.
Relax, we're taking the day off from bullying.
Oh, thank God. [opens her locker and her face gets burned off] Very funny. Who put the ark of the covenant in here?
[the bullies laugh]
Meg is so stupid. She couldn't handle the glory of God's love.
Please rub the H and the C off all the knobs, so people won't know what's going on. I want the first 4 minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger.
(Peter climbs the top of the ride and sees a bored-looking man at the top, but no slide)
Uh, where's the slide?
Park Worker (hands him something): Just eat this Starburst.
(Peter takes the Starburst and eats it. Cut to him riding down a water slide with lemons, oranges, and cherries on the side as cheery music plays)
Wow! Lemons! Oranges! Cherries! So juicy!
(a sickening crunch. Cut back to reality. Peter is on the ground with a bleeding head as the park worker looks down at him)
I don't think that was a Starburst. I think that may have just been acid.
Park Worker (as he walks up to Peter): Would you like to ride the Skittles rainbow now?
Is it also acid?
My friend, I'm an adult who works at a water park. If I give you something, it's acid.
I saw Lady and the Tramp, so I asked if we could eat spaghetti in the alley, but they said no 'cause of all the homeless masturbation.
Aw, I love that movie.
Chris, meet Orville Redenbacher and his son. Watch.
Lois, is the president stronger than a king-- [sees Larry and Lois] WHAT THE HELL?!
Peter! Look, calm down. We're just friends, he's just giving me a friendly massage.
A friendly massage?!
Yeah, and what do you care? When is the last time, you did anything nice for me?
I ate that gross pasta you made!
I might as well just tell you, Peter. I'm in love with Lois. I knew it, the moment we kissed.
Kissed?! [to Lois] Is that true?
Yes, Peter. But, I--
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Peter begins to fight Larry]
Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.
Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.
Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.
[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family]
I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
[correcting him] The fat woman.
He hasn't chopped it off yet.
That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.
And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
