Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.
Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?
[loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.
S14Run, Chris, Run
Cleveland, you didn't tell us you had plans with Jerome.
Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.
If you checked my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.
S14Road to India
People in love can overcome anything.
I guess you're right. I mean look at Jeb Bush and his wife.
[cutaway to Jeb Bush and his wife]
JJeb
Honey, do you think I'll ever become president?
[screen pans out, revealing Consuela to be portraying the role of Columba]
No ... no ... no.
[back to Brian and Stewie]
[angry] Stewie!
What? It's just a joke.
Yeah, but come on!
Look it up, man. Google her!
[admittedly] I know what she looks like.
I can't believe we're in India. Oh, look over there. Those cute little kids are playing Cowboys and Indians and Indians.
[three kids are seen pretending to be a cowboy, a Native American Indian, and an Indian]
K1Kid #1
I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun.
K2Kid #2
I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow.
K3Kid #3
I'm just going to stand here, wearing a shirt that appears to be a jacket.
S15The Boys in the Band
[after Lois walks in on Brian and Stewie watching the director's cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which features Willy Wonka as a pedophile]
What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
"Not appropriate"? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.
[cutaway to Lois holding Stewie while trying to find a movie theater seat]
Huh, this one's wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: This one too. [walks to another seat]: Also wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.
[Chris and Quagmire sit on a couch in Quagmire's house]
Okay, Chris, I think you'll be a great assistant. Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Alright, I guess it'll be a light day today, but tomorrow, you should come wearing those.
Okay, got it.
Now, the first thing I need you to do is punch me in the stomach because I'm bad. [he stands up]
Is this a trick?
It's the furthest thing from a trick, go ahead. And it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.
[Chris punches him in the stomach extremely hard. Quagmire hunches over and grunts in pain]
[strained] Okay, that's really good. Now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill.
S15Bookie of the Year
FSFrank Sinatra Jr.
Stewie! Elliot!
It...it...it's actually "Brian". We've...we've met many times before.
FSFrank Sinatra Jr.
Then who's Elliot?
I ... I really wouldn't know.
This is a bad start to whatever he's doing.
AAnnouncer
Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.
[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]
This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!
[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]
Oh my God, Chris is out of control!
I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.
Ohhhh!
See, I listen!
S15American Gigg-olo
[Brian enters the kitchen after a day on the job]
Wow, what a day!
Please don't comment. There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.
[The Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]
Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?
WEWho Else But Quagmire Guy
Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Are you... Are you gay?
Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figure, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Hey, awesome for you.
S15Inside Family Guy
Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show and it's happened five times since then some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.
Oh, yeah. It's great, you know, doing the show with your family, cuz what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family, [progressively gets more depressed as he keeps talking] and then next day same thing. Just trying to make it through the weekend, so you can uh ... spend some time with the family ... Isn't that the dream?
S15Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date
[talking to Taylor Swift] Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything. I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go. [Stewie starts pulling out the tape measure] Still going ... still going ... Oh my God, you bitch! Seriously?
If she says yes, you're gonna surprise everyone, just like you did on New Year Eve.
[Cutaway]
EEveryone
3... 2... 1...
Some animals give me boners!
[Everyone looks at Chris as balloons drop to the ground]
S15Hot Shots
Brian, we can't have a bat flying around the house. We gotta do something.
Don't worry, Chris, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.