[Peter leads the family in prayer]
Dear God, it's the Griffins. Again, we're very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death, but we still want a snowmobile. Today though, please let there be money in our bank account. Amen.
FFamily
Amen.
S14The Peanut Butter Kid
Relax, Brian, Stewie's fine. I mean, look at him. He's happier than a sunny-side-up egg.
[cutaway to a sunny-side-up egg in a frying pan]
SSSunny-side-up egg
What a great way to start the day! What a pan! What a grill!
[the camera zooms out to reveal that the stove is very dirty and greasy, while a hand shakes too much salt onto the egg]
EEgg
Oh, no! I'm at Denny's!
DADrug addict
[offscreen] Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight! Where's my breakfast?!
[the egg gets put on a plate with buttered toast and bacon]
EEgg
Help! He's only gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!
S14Scammed Yankees
[Peter and Carter are having a boring time at the Griffin home]
Now what do you want to do?
Well, we could watch porn. Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of?
[excited] You have postcards from France?
Tear it all down, now! Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa!
What is "Kwanzaa"?
Ha! I knew it wasn't real!
S14An App a Day
[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
[Cleveland samples the song]
It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."
Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
I am not an idiot.
I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
I don't know. Be my guest.
[Peter farts into it]
It says "Lana Del Rey."
RReferee
Out!
What?
RReferee
Your ball was long.
[angry] ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! THAT THING WAS IN! YOU'RE GONNA PENALIZE US BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLIND, FUCKING, BLUE JACKET PIECE OF SHIT?!
Stewie, calm down!
Stewie: I WILL DROP YOU TO YOUR KNEES AND SHOVE MY RACKET SO FAR DOWN TO YOIR THROAT, YOU'LL BE SHITTING MY GRIP FOR A WEEK!
RReferee
Warning, Mr. Griffin.
OH, YOU'RE WARNING ME? I'M WARNING YOU! I'M GONNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOUR WIFE!
S14Underage Peter
Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.
RJR.J.
I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was no way.
[whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
[happily wags his tail] Hey, what's up? Are we going for a ride in the car?
No, I had a question for you.
Don't EVER do that unless you have a car ride to offer!
S14A Lot Going on Upstairs
I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.
No, don't. Don't say it like that.
And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him! This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.
Okay, but that felt intentional.
[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are locked in the attic for hours]
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.
Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!
You wouldn't dare!
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!
What I'm not doing with that?!
You leave my dress alone, Peter!
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
What are you nuts?!
I've been crowning for 6 hours!
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!
I miss Bonnie!
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]
MMan (over headphones)
Not all snake bites are lethal.
[Lois pries the attic door open, dumping Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire onto the floor]
There! You happy!?
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...
S14The Heartbreak Dog
[Peter discovers that Brian kissed Bonnie]
What?!
I know, I know. It was a huge mistake. Let's just do two or three high-fives and forget it ever happened.
Good morning, children. It's that time of the year again to fulfill your community service requirements by signing up for volunteer work.
Do we get to choose our jobs?
No, no no no. The jobs will be assigned randomly, but the cooler and prettier students have the better jobs. For instance, the blond chick in the third row will wash my car this afternoon. While Little Miss Frumpkin with all the questions will work in the old folks' home.
Is Frumpkin good?
[chuckles] NO. No.
S14Take a Letter
Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.
I'd be happy to get you an interview. And as a white woman, you'd be the minority here. Unless you're an alcoholic.
S14The New Adventures of Old Tom
You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Yeah, Cool.
Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!
Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!
Okay, he found a burn he likes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.