BBud
Thanks for the ride along. I liked it when you sentenced those two girls to kiss each other.
Yeah, all girls are lesbians when you point a gun at them.
S14Papa Has a Rollin' Son
Hey, what are you doing home so early?
He's following me, Brian.
Who's following you?
Tom Cruise. I spent one afternoon with the guy and it's like I signed an eight-year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.
Stewie, I think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.
Oh really, well explain that. [points at Tom Cruise outside]
You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.
S14Guy, Robot
I don't know. L...Let's just keep it new for a few weeks.
A few weeks?! Come on, you know I'm terrible at waiting for things.
[Cut to Peter watching TV]
MOMan on TV
We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.
But I want it NOW!
S14Peternormal Activity
Oh, my God! Peter, come look at the newspaper! "Jan Itter dead".
[gasps] What?! No!
Right here, my college roommate, Jan Itter. She passed away yesterday.
A-are we seriously doing this? Because I didn't get like, any sleep last night.
What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. [leaves the kitchen]
You and the guys killed and buried a man?!
Aah! I knew you would find out!
Find out about what? I just got David Sedaris's new book: "You and the Guys Killed and Buried a Man".
Okay, I am seriously on edge, and this thing we're doing, I'm not happy about it, and that's a very odd title for a humorist book!
Peter, you're acting weird. Just go to the other room.
I don't wanna go to the other room! I wanna stay here and see what you're seeing 'cause you're saying things that are different than what they are!
Peter, you're gonna have a heart attack. I won't say anything else. I'll let you relax.
It's just when you've read as many books as I have [chuckles] it takes a toll, you know?
Are you sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone?
S14Peter, Chris, & Brian
I'm very easily influenced by music.
[Brian and Chris return from biking]
Apologies for being so tardy.
Ah, Brian, you're not tardy. We tested you twice.
S14Peter's Sister
[demonic voice] I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn!
I'm telling you guys, it's gonna be a disaster! Just like the alternate ending of Back To The Future.
[Cut to the alternate ending of Back To The Future where Marty looks at his family photo seeing his parents and himself vanish off of it.]
MMarty
Well, if I'm gonna disappear into nothing, I might as well bang my mom. Hey, Lorraine! Wait up! [runs after her and drops the photo]
[The empty photo that Marty dropped lands onto the ground. Cut to it as we see a really deformed and inbred Marty appear on the picture. Thus everything resets and starts again in a never ending loop of inbred pain and misery.]
IMInbred Marty
Hi! My name's Marty! I'm in a picture!
[We cut to the "To Be Continued" logo, but it instead says "To Be Contondered".]
IMInbred Marty
To be contondered!
S14Hot Pocket-Dial
The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.
S14Brokeback Swanson
[trying to pick up Tori] You know, some people are okay with a drive-through car wash. Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
[Stewie observes Brian on a leash held by a strange man]
Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that?
[quietly] Shhh, be cool. This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.
Oh, what a romantic way to put it.
Yeah, it's great. I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the "pound" if you know what I mean.
S14A Shot in the Dark
[to Peter, walking by with a black wig and carrying brown paint] What are you doin'?
Lois, to show I'm in touch with what it's like to be African-American, I am gonna go to the middle of the town square, get naked and paint myself brown.
No, no. That's offensive. You can't pretend to be black. That's a stupid idea.
What?
[enraged] It's a stupid idea! You're a stupid man! [Furiously rolls her magazine and starts beating Peter with it] A stupid, stupid man!
Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?! And why do you always announce them to me BEFORE YOU DO THEM?! ARE YOU TRYIN' TO GET A RISE OUTTA ME?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
[sobbingly] No, no, it's not what l want! It's not what I want! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[Chris and Meg see this on the stairs]
It's never been this bad before. What do we do?
What we always do.
[They take off their hats and start taking off their hair]
I'm in charge of my head, that much l know!
S14Candy, Quahog Marshmallow
[the guys watch Quagmire's Korean soap opera]
Wow, that girl's hot.
That's a guy.
That other guy's handsome.
That's a girl.
That cat is cute.
That's a dog.
WHAT IS EVERYTHING?!
Wow, this is even more pussy than I can handle!
[thinking] Is he gonna say "Giggity"? Should I say "Giggity"? Are other people allowed to say "Giggity"? [talking] Giggity.
What?
[mumbles] Nothing, it's stupid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.