Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?

Berta

Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Charlie

Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.

Berta

You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

Charlie

No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.

Charlie

I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Alan

He says no.

Berta

I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie

I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake

Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Berta

This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.

Charlie

I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.

Berta

Considerate.

Charlie

Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...

Berta

Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta

That ain't gonna do it, Alice.

Charlie

What?

Berta

You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

Charlie

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Berta

Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Berta

Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?

Kandi

To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.

Berta

Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.

Kandi

Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Mandi

Kandi's told me so many nice things about you.

Berta

How do you know Kandi?

Mandi

She's my daughter.

Berta

Your daughter? Sweet whistlin' Geronimo! (to Charlie and Alan) You people are like a box of hamsters, just crawling all over each other!

Charlie

Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.

Alan

Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!

Charlie

I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!

Alan

But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.

Charlie

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!

Alan

Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?

Berta

Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.

Berta

Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.

Mia

Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]

Berta

Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.

Charlie

All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Berta

What are you gonna do?

Charlie

Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose

You don't mean...

Charlie

I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

Alan

God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn

Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan

Good one.

Charlie

Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?

Berta

Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Charlie

And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.

Berta

Choose your words carefully, slim.

Lydia

"Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.

Berta

Going in or coming out?

Charlie

Can we pull over for a minute?

Berta

In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.

Charlie

That's not a road.

Berta

Well, not during rainy season.

Charlie

Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.

Berta

You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?

What?

Berta

You Ronald?

No.

Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?

Berta

Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.