Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.

Berta

Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.

Berta

That's it, I can't work like this!

Alan

Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.

Berta

Don't tell me, tell her.

Alan

Fine.

HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Berta

Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.

Charlie

Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.

Berta

I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Berta

Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?

Jake

Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.

Berta

The quiet ones are always the freaks.

Alan

Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent

Jake

But you admit, she was naked.

Alan

Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?

Jake

Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.

Alan

Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?

Jake

Dunno.

Alan

Did you show this to your mother?

Jake

No.

Alan

Why not?

Jake

Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

Alan

What are you doing? Give me that!

Berta

I'm sorry, it was just laying there.

Alan

That's private.

Berta

OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.

Alan

Yeah, what's that?

Berta

If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.

Berta

The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.

Charlie

What do you want? He's eleven.

Berta

That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

Charlie

I need someone who can give me drugs!

Berta

I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.

Alan

Drugs just mask the problem.

Charlie

Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

Jake

Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.

Berta

The sink? How'd you manage that?

Jake

It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Alan

[to Berta] Charlie...

Berta

[interrupting Alan] Got it.

Alan

Get it? How can you get it?

Berta

Well, there's a Roles Royce in the drive way, [pull out silk leggings] and I found this hanging on the mailbox, so I'm guessing that your brother has some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy.

Berta

[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So, you like making fun of girls with big boobs.

Jake

[looking pale into her large breasts] Not any more.

Berta

Do you mind if I take your room?

Alan

My room? Gee, I, I--

Berta

Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Alan

You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!

Berta

Well, that's just not right.

Alan

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.

Berta

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Berta

[seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?

Alan

I'm not sure..

Berta

Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.

Alan

I don't think so, Berta.

Berta

I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Charlie

What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!

Berta

I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!

Charlie

That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!

Alan

Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.

Berta

Why not? You're a monster boob.

Alan

Will you both stay out of my room?!