Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
KSKandi's lawyer
Positive.
Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."
What do I have to do for you?
Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Do I have to cry?
No.
Will there be food?
Yes.
Can I bring a date?
You're just screwing with me now, right?
How does it feel?
What the hell is this?
This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
He's not staying here, Alan.
Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
It's because no kennel in town would take you!
I stole him [Chester].
Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.
In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...
Hey!
Oh, [...] finally up the phone.
Yeah.
When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?
Jake(depressed): I'm not.
Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?
Jake(depressed): No.
Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?
Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!
Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?
Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?
[...] and [...].
Ooooooh!
Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.
Jake(hopefully): Really?
Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!
Where we going?
[...] your dad out of jail.
[...]
Sure, why not.
Hey.
Oh, look who's finally off the phone.
Yeah.
When are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?
[depressed] I'm not.
[mocking] What happened? You chicken out?
[depressed] No.
[reproachful] I don't believe it! You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall. I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out!
[loud] She just dumped me, you old turd!
[surprised] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being an old turd.
[disappointed] I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Ah dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
[perplexed] What, Chinese and Caucasian?
Gifted and remedial.
Ohh...
Yeah. Well, I'm done with relationships. From now on, I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives a man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turn your back on love Jake. I did. And I regret it every day.
[hopefully] Really?
May God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, the game's over. Let's go.
Where we going?
Might as well bail your dad out of jail.
Can we get something to eat first?
Sure, why not?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.