Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 19
Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.
Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.
[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]
I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Twenty-two.
But you're twenty-two now.
Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
I don't even know who you are anymore!
Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3:00am]
Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
No, no, Osama bin Alan.
What in God's name does she see in him?
Well, I don't have all the details, Mrs. Harper, but apparently, when he's not being emasculated and demoralized on a daily basis, he's quite the lover.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you know what they say, your average man is like a good field mule. You don't beat him, he'll keep plowing all day long.
Nobody says that.
You're hard to fool. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but...I'm tired of talking to you. [closes the door in Judith's face.]
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