Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.

Berta

Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.

Berta

Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?

Charlie

Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!

Berta

Hallelujah!

Well... I don't like fat guys.

Charlie

Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.

So you'd do a fat guy?

Rose

Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!

Berta

It's a miracle!

Rose

A Christmas miracle.

Naomi

I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.

Berta

You can't join the Army.

Naomi

Why not?

Berta

Because you already are all you can be.

Alan

Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.

Can't help ya.

Alan

Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.

Yeah, look at your dad!

Berta

Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.

Alan

Goodnight Berta.

Jake

Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?

Berta

You know what, I'll take a cab.

Alan

What?

Jake

A bottle of whipped cream.

Alan

So?

Jake

So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Charlie

Morning.

Berta

Hey, how you feeling?

Charlie

Not too bad, really.

Berta

That was some fall you took.

Charlie

Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.

Berta

You think the liquor industry would promote that.

Charlie

It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Charlie

She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!

Alan

Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?

Charlie

Why does something have to be wrong with her?

Alan

Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.

Charlie

There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?

Berta

Hey, I'd do her.

Berta

Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Charlie

Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

Alan

Jake, I said no!

Jake

I didn't do it!

Berta

He didn't.

Charlie

What are you staring at?

Jake

Nothing, señor.

Jake

Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake

For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta

Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan

What is it?

Jake

It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta

You said it Poop Dog.

Berta

You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.

Alan

Excuse me?

Berta

When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Charlie

This relationship isn't based on sex!

Berta

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta

What's going on?

Jake

I had to sleep in Dad's room last night, 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out--

Berta

Got it.

Charlie

Berta, how long have you been working for me?

Berta

Define "working".