JakeHey, how come my mom hates Kandi?
What gave you the idea that she hates her?
Jake
'Cause she says so... a lot.
All right. Why do you think?
Jake
I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.
Well, little man, you just answered your own question.
Jake
I did? What'd I say?
It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?
Jake
Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake
I don't understand.
Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake
Oh.
Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Jake
Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake
Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.
Jake
Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
You're telling me this now?!
Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake
She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake
I don't know. She said he'd call.
You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake
I don't know, maybe.
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!
Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.
Jake
I'm not a pirate.
You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Jake
Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.
Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Jake
Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
We can never go back, Jake.
Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.
Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Jake
Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Jake
The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Jake
Hey!
Oh, [...] finally up the phone.
Jake
Yeah.
When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?
Jake(depressed): I'm not.
Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?
Jake(depressed): No.
Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?
Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!
Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?
Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
Jake
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?
Jake
[...] and [...].
Jake
Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
Jake
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.
Jake(hopefully): Really?
Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!
Jake
Where we going?
[...] your dad out of jail.
Jake
[...]
Jake
Hey.
Oh, look who's finally off the phone.
Jake
Yeah.
When are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?
Jake
[depressed] I'm not.
[mocking] What happened? You chicken out?
Jake
[depressed] No.
[reproachful] I don't believe it! You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall. I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out!
Jake
[loud] She just dumped me, you old turd!
[surprised] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being an old turd.
Jake
[disappointed] I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Ah dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
Jake
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
[perplexed] What, Chinese and Caucasian?
Jake
Gifted and remedial.
Jake
Yeah. Well, I'm done with relationships. From now on, I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
Jake
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives a man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turn your back on love Jake. I did. And I regret it every day.
Jake
[hopefully] Really?
May God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, the game's over. Let's go.
Jake
Where we going?
Might as well bail your dad out of jail.
Jake
Can we get something to eat first?
Jake
Because I hate it there.
Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake
It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake
That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake
Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
Jake
Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
Jake
You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!
All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake
She must be dynamite in the sack.
Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake
Cinemax.
Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Jake
Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.
I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake
Why don't you take a pill?
He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake
How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake
Can't get what up?
Two and a Half Men · 811 quotes
