Two and a Half Men · Season 4, Episode 5
Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
"Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
"No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
A-five, six, seven, eight...
[sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
Why did you run away?
Because I hate it there.
Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
You don't do what I tell you to do!
Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
Alan [to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Way better.
Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Hmmm. No, we haven't--
No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
[Alan and Charlie comes back home after eating dinner outside]
Do you know what's the problem with sushi?
You mean besides eating it with you?
It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.
Hey, Alan?
What?
I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.
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