Ouch.
What?
One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?
Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Good, no sense drinking over this.
You must be so proud.
Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Sesame Street-smart.
Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?
Is that so?
Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.
If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?
What gave you the idea that she hates her?
'Cause she says so... a lot.
All right. Why do you think?
I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.
Well, little man, you just answered your own question.
I did? What'd I say?
It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?
Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
I don't understand.
Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Oh.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna solve all your problems. (returns to the kitchen with a baseball bat in his hand) You wanna see it coming or should I surprise you?
(mock laughter) You're not funny.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.