Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Um...
You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Define "chronic".
Face it Alan. What can you bring to the table other than a lifetime of failure with women?
It's not a lifetime yet!
I, on the other hand have a wealth of experience.
He's [Jake's] twelve! He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way!
Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
What's wrong with the way I look?
Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.
I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!
You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Come on, look at his point of view.
What's his point of view?
Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]
Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Oh, really?
Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.
Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.
Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
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