Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.

Jake

I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!

Jake

You know, in some countries, you're innocent until proven guilty.

Alan

You confessed!

Jake

Oh, yeah.

Alan

And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!

Berta

[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So, you like making fun of girls with big boobs.

Jake

[looking pale into her large breasts] Not any more.

Alan

What are you doing?

Jake

Masticating.

Alan

What?

Jake

Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.

Alan

What do you think I think?

Charlie

I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.

Jake

Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?

Charlie

Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?

Jake

I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."

Alan

It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?

Jake

I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.

Charlie

Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.

Jake

Anybody want to lick the beater?

No.

Jake

Uncle Charlie?

Charlie

Yeah, buddy.

Jake

You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.

Alan

Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.

Jake

Why not? He's already getting sex from her.

Charlie

Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Mia

OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?

Jake

Is that like missionary position?

Mia

Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake

Oh... all right.

Charlie

You want me to tuck you in?

Jake

I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Charlie

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Evelyn

Good God.

Jake

Hey, Dad, you're famous!

Alan

Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.

Charlie

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Evelyn

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Alan

Thank you, Mom.

Evelyn

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Jake

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

Alan

No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.

Charlie

I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.

Alan

He says no.

Berta

I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?

Charlie

I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Evelyn

Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.

Jake

Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".

Kandi

You must be Jake.

Jake

Uh-huh.

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.

Charlie

Enough!

Alan

C'mon, it's catchy.

Charlie

So is diphtheria.

Jake

How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?

Charlie

'Cause I don't.

Jake

In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.

Charlie

Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.