Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]

Jake

I do like fries.

Charlie

Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?

Jake

Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.

Charlie

Where'd you get that?

Jake

My mom.

Charlie

Oh. Well...

Jake

And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...

Charlie

OK, OK!

Jake

...the UPS man...

Charlie

All right!

Alan

So, what do you want?

Jake

Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.

Charlie

What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

Jake

Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.

Charlie

That's a life lesson, Jake.

Charlie

You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?

Alan

Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.

Jake

What else can you pierce?

Nothing.

Jake

Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]

Charlie

Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".

Alan

He can't spell "Google".

Alan

[About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...

Jake

I do like banana cream pie.

Alan

Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...

Jake

[Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Berta

Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.

Alan

Goodnight Berta.

Jake

Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?

Berta

You know what, I'll take a cab.

Alan

What?

Jake

A bottle of whipped cream.

Alan

So?

Jake

So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.

Rose

Do you know what an aqueduct is?

Jake

Uh... something to do with water.

Rose

And...?

Jake

A duck?

Alan

Jake, I said no!

Jake

I didn't do it!

Berta

He didn't.

Charlie

What are you staring at?

Jake

Nothing, señor.

Jake

Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake

For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta

Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan

What is it?

Jake

It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta

You said it Poop Dog.

Jake

So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?

I have a cello.

Jake

What do you play on that?

Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.

Jake

So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake

No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".

My apologies.

Jake

Yo man! This bling is off the hook!

Charlie

Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.

Jake

What the heck?

Charlie

Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

Charlie

Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan

Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.