Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
You're telling me this now?!
Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs] : Who's Will?
I don't know. She said he'd call.
You mean the tickets are at will call?
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!
Hey, Alan. [to Jake] : Matey.
You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.
Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Or there could be other women there.
All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?
Mia [giggles] : Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
All good arguments for the quickie.
Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.
Alright, where do you want it?
So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm] ?
Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Which pretty much leaves you.
Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
CH − Previous episode · S3 E22 Just Once With Aunt Sophie CH + Next episode · S3 E24 That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
