[reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.
Boy, you look like hell.
Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Eat your dinner.
The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Looks like you had a tough night.
No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!
STSteven Tyler
Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
STSteven Tyler
Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
STSteven Tyler
Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!
[driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.
[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
"God bless Vicoden?"
Pretty good, huh?
You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.
OK, well, good luck with the tour!
STSteven Tyler
Thanks a lot, man.
Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
STSteven Tyler
What was that?
Nothing, nothing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.