Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

[About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.

Evelyn

You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.

Alan

Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!

Evelyn

Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Jake

What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?

Charlie

There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.

Jake

You're kidding, right?

Charlie

Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.

Jake

I have to do math and pee my pants?

Alan

What's taking you so long?

Jake

I can't find my other shoe!

Alan

So then put on a different pair.

Jake

But this one's on already!

Jake

I forgot to comb my hair.

Charlie

No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]

Jake

That's spit!

Charlie

One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.

Jake

I just want to go home, I'm cold and I'm wet.

Charlie

And if you kick the back of my seat again with those dirty cleats, you're going to be colder and wetter.

Jake

Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.

Berta

The sink? How'd you manage that?

Jake

It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Jake

Dad?

Alan

Yeah?

Jake

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]

Charlie

Well, Alan, do you?

Alan

Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?

Jake

Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?

Alan

Right.

Jake

And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Rose

What is that about?

Jake

I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Jake

Where's the dead guy?

Alan

Jake, show a little respect.

Jake

Where's the dead guy sir?

Jake

How did he die?

Alan

He just got old. His heart stopped.

Jake

Oh. His watch is still going.

Alan

Yep.

Jake

Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.

Jake

How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?

Charlie

Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know

Jake

How come?

Charlie

Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Jake

Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?

Charlie

That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?

Jake

Sí.

Charlie

Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan

He broke her.

Charlie

Chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan

It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie

I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.

Alan

Me, too.

Charlie

But clearly, he is the chosen one.

Jake

Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]

Alan

And they shall call him Jake.

Jake

Have you seen my Game Boy?

No. Have you seen my wife?

Jake

No. Well, if you see it, let me know.

Ditto.

Jake

This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.

Charlie

No kidding.

Jake

Where are we, anyway?

Charlie

It's called Watts.