Two and a Half Men · Season 2, Episode 23
Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.
[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]
Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Sí.
Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Nice, but I can top it.
Go.
It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
We gotta go get Jake.
[after Jake's time with Evelyn]
Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
He broke her.
Chewed her up and spit her out.
It was a beautiful thing.
I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Me, too.
But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
And they shall call him Jake.
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