Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

[Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?

Jake

Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]

Alan

I think you know what you have to do.

Charlie

Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?

Alan

Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.

Charlie

But he's not learning anything!

Alan

Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Alan

So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake

I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan

You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake

Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie

Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake

Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie

You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

That's a cool car, too, Jake.

Jake

I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.

Charlie

Wanna bet?

Jake

Why not?

Charlie

Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Alan

Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Jake

It's not gonna be on the test.

Alan

Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.

Jake

Why would I want to know something I don't have to?

Alan

Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.

Jake

Well, then that's when I'll learn it!

Alan

Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake

'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Alan

What about this one?

Jake

That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.

Alan

But why don't you do it anyway.

Jake

Cause I don't have to.

Alan

But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.

Jake

But I'm not.

Alan

Do it!

Jake

Why?

Alan

Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.

Jake

I am done, this is extra.

Jake

Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan

I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake

So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan

You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake

It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Berta

Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?

Jake

Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.

Berta

The quiet ones are always the freaks.

Alan

Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent

Jake

But you admit, she was naked.

Alan

Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?

Jake

Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.

Alan

Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?

Jake

Dunno.

Alan

Did you show this to your mother?

Jake

No.

Alan

Why not?

Jake

Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

Jake

Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!

Charlie

OK, OK, you said "blows" already.

Jake

Did I say "big baby chunks"?

Alan

Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?

Jake

Just making notes.

Alan

Good for you! What do you have so far?

Jake

Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.

Alan

Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?

Jake

Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?

Charlie

D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?

Jake

That was fifty pages!

Charlie

Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.

Alan

Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?

Jake

No, I'm lazy.

Jake

That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!

Charlie

What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.

Jake

What are they, brain damaged?

Charlie

Welcome to show business, kid.

Jake

What was going on with your hair?

It's called a Jheri curl.

Alan

It was my Michael Jackson period.

Jake

Who's the tall guy next to you?

Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

Jake

This is really weird.

Alan

Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.

Jake

I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.

Charlie

Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Alan

Lewis and Clark explored what?

Charlie

[buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.

Alan

Right.

Jake

I knew that.

Alan

Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

Charlie

And I'm still buzzed.

Jake

OK, give me another question.

Alan

All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?

Jake

Alaska.

Alan

Ah, very good!

Charlie

Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.