Two and a Half Men · Season 2, Episode 22
[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Monkeys can't drive a stick.
Alan, where'd the money come from?
I found it.
Alan...
Mom.
You traded your soul for a Porsch?
I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.
The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Well, then go 65.
The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.
Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.
How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
How come?
Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.
[on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.
Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
