And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
Where are you going?
Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Doesn't your soul qualify?
Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
How will that be any different than this?
You're hitting on the widow!
No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!
Where's the dead guy?
Jake, show a little respect.
Where's the dead guy sir?
[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
That woman just lost her husband!
Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
So?
So she had to see it coming!
Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
How did he die?
He just got old. His heart stopped.
Oh. His watch is still going.
Yep.
Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!
And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
That's good. Open with a joke.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.