Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 1
[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
How come?
Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]
This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
No kidding.
Where are we, anyway?
It's called Watts.
Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.
[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]
What happened to you?
I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.
I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!
Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
