What's taking you so long?
I can't find my other shoe!
So then put on a different pair.
But this one's on already!
Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?
You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?
OK.
You're not moving.
Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.
GET UP!
I forgot to comb my hair.
No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
That's spit!
One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.
You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!
Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.
Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?
Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".
I just want to go home, I'm cold and I'm wet.
And if you kick the back of my seat again with those dirty cleats, you're going to be colder and wetter.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.