Scenes with Clancy Wiggum 23
Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
W Wiggum
Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
But there's only one way to find out...
[cut to the closing credits]
[voice-over] I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... [sound of gun cocking] ... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. [very softly] CBS great.
[sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Films logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots]
W Wiggum
Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodus Ing" as we speak.
Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
W Wiggum
Okay, but who's going to build your pyramids?
FP Financial Planner
It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!
CW Chief Wiggum
Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.
FP Financial Planner
Well, what if you don't get shot?
W Wiggum
What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!
[Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.]
CW Chief Wiggum
In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruller, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.
P Phil
Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- [Cut off by Wiggum]
W Wiggum
I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.
P Phil
What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?
W Wiggum
All right, this press conference is over!
W Wiggum
[answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
I just cut off my husband's thumb!
W Wiggum
ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
W Wiggum
Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.
W Wiggum
[writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!
What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
W Wiggum
Mr. Burns, you're under arrest!
Did I say "corpse hatch"? Uh... I meant "innocence tube"!
You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
W Wiggum
I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.
Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—[cut off by Bart]
Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." [Pulls the switch beyond "Overload"]
[Lights explode. The police come out armed]
CW Clancy Wiggum
Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
But Chief, we are the entire force.
CW Clancy Wiggum
Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.
[Lisa has ran away from home]
Lisa's gone, you have to find her!
CW Chief Wiggum
Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.
W Wiggum
Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.
W Wiggum
Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
W Wiggum
And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
W Wiggum
We don't need an Eddie. [Eddie looks down in disappointment.]
[Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street]
[gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!
W Wiggum
Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?
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The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
