[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
[To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Comic Book GuyYes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy
"Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
Comic Book Guy
Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?
FCFemale Comic Book Fan
Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard, and you're on.
Comic Book Guy
Don't try to change me, baby.
Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Comic Book Guy
Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.
Anybody care what this guy thinks?
Young man, you've had what we call a cardiac episode.
Comic Book Guy
Worst Episode Ever.
Oh, not even close. If these boys hadn't called 911, I'd be wearing that watch right now! [chuckles] Just kidding. But you would be dead.
Comic Book Guy
[to Bart] You saved my life?
Yeah. After you were so mean to us.
Comic Book Guy
So now we're even.
My prognosis - or is it diagnosis? Whichever. You need to avoid stress. Now what kind of work do you do?
Comic Book Guy
I run a comic book store.
[gasps] Oh dear Lord! We call that profession the "widow-maker"! Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married.
[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?
[The bar patrons laugh]
Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.
Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.
Comic Book Guy
Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]
[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]
Comic Book Guy
I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!
Come on, you're here to make friends.
Comic Book Guy
Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners!
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!
[Cut to Moe, Carl and Lenny throwing Comic Book Guy out the front door]
And stay out! [they go back inside]
Comic Book Guy
Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"? [checks book] Ah, yes: Gar-dacchk!
Greetings, true believers! [upon entering the store, promptly places an X-Men comic over a Superman one]
Comic Book Guy
Ooh, my heart's pounding like Thor's hammer on Doctor Doom's titanium-infused faceplate!
Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
Comic Book Guy
The term is "courting". Restraining order says no-no, but her eyes say yes-yes. [strokes a Wonder Woman action figure]
Let's see what you've got, son. [takes Bart's strip to read] My Spidey-Sense is tingling!
Oh, did I say "Spidey"? I meant "Stinky"! 'Nuff said.
[dejected] What did I do wrong?
Comic Book Guy
Oh, I don't know; try everything!
Now hold on, Comic Book Guy. This boy is still finding his voice!
So you're saying I should keep trying?
Absolutely! If you fail, you can always open a comic book store!
Comic Book Guy
Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me!
He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! [starts growling and grabbing onto his shirt, ripping it] Rrroar-owwll!!
Comic Book Guy
Oh, please, you couldn't even change to Bill Bixby.
Come on, damn it, change! Mmmhhmhhmm! [in defeat] Oh, forget it. [strains a little more, then gives up again] I really did it once.
Comic Book Guy
[taking Stan inside] Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
Comic Book Guy
You almost had it there.
[William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.]
BBilly
Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
BBilly
Frank an' Jesse James!
Comic Book Guy
What happened to Butch Cassidy?
SKThe Sundance Kid
[imitating] What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
BBilly
And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
TTownspeople
[Mutterings of "Who?"]
FJFrank James
He ain't no cowboy!
WWilhelm
Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!
BKBilly the Kid
Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!
Comic Book Guy
[after Richard is kidnapped] Whoa! He's gone!
There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for it!
Comic Book Guy
Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for her!
[the nerds close in on Willie]
This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!
Comic Book Guy
You are acceptable.
Great, do you wanna see me naked?
GEGP Executive #1
Oh there's no nudity in this movie.
DDirector
Bring in the next helicopter.
[camera pans to show a line of AH-64 Apache helicopters as one moves from the line from the rest which are hovering]
Oh, it's no good, you're just a load of spineless weasels!
[The townspeople turn round and come to a halt]
Comic Book Guy
Kill the weasel hater!
[Everyone runs after Moe]
[laughing as he runs] See, that's what I'm talking about!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
