[Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]
I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] DAAGH! AAGH! [He runs out into the corridor] I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! Hi, I'm a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom. From the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands! But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!
[looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?
[getting up] I'm better than okay - I'm Homer Simpson!
[noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [He notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp--
[He grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces. Frank Grimes' funeral is underway]
Frank Grimes, or Grimey as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short...
[drooling and muttering in his sleep] Change the channel, Marge!
[All the mourners and Reverend Lovejoy laugh]
[Everyone continues to laugh as Frank's coffin is lowered into the ground]
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.
Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]
Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]
Hey now, that's uncalled for.
LLenny
Shut your hole Skinner!
[Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare bored at nothing in particular].
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
[The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a violent riot, from people getting tackled to Groundskeeper Willie's soccer hooligan friends hitting people with pipes to two East Asian guys in karate robes kicking each other in the face to Nelson sitting on Milhouse and pulling his leg back as Milhouse screams and cries. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.]
Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
SScotsman
[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]
Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Booze, booze, and more booze.
LLenny
Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
[Bar flies mumble affirmatively]
JJudge
Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
LLenny
[points to window] There's the angel!
[Murmuring]
[The courtroom empties]
JJudge
I find the defendant not guilty. As for science vs. religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.
Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer, you're really brave to go through with this operation.
It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.
No, no, no - making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly life-threatening surgery here.
[worried] Really? You think It's dangerous?
Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation--
Procedure! Deadly procedure.
Whatever; the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.
Now you're just trying to scare me.
LLenny
Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after ya!
Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here - can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.
And, uh, are those your original lips?
Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [storms out of the bar]
[watching him leave] Oh yeah, that would look so good on me!
Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera. Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!
My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy, and willing to settle for less.
LLLenny Leonard
Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.
Wow, Dad, You're surfin' like a pro.
Oh, yeah, I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp--
Dad, do we have any money left?
Well, let's check the old bank account. See? Even after my cyber squandering, we've still got $1,200.
All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adiós, back-slash losers.
[Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game]
LLenny
Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!
LLenny
What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!
Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!
LLenny
Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--
[Is cut off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.]
Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...
[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]
I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!
Legally, you could give us free beer! [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!
LLenny
Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!
[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, but it partially floats]
LLenny
Hey, whaddya know, it floats!
That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
What about the people on the bottom?
They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.
LLenny
That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
Not to mention driving to.
And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
LLenny
You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?
[The bar patrons laugh]
Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.
Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.
Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]
[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]
I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
LLenny
Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!
Come on, you're here to make friends.
Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners!
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!
[Cut to Moe, Carl and Lenny throwing Comic Book Guy out the front door]
And stay out! [they go back inside]
Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"? [checks book] Ah, yes: Gar-dacchk!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
