Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

I was sitting there!

I don't see your name on it!

It's right there!

Marge

Bart, don't write on the rug.

Ha-ha. Mom yelled at you.

Did not.

Did too.

You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [he puts Maggie to bed] I hope you never say a word. [switches the light off, closes the door]

Maggie

[pulls her pacifier out of her mouth] Daddy. [puts her pacifier back on her mouth and goes to sleep as the episode ends]

S4 Lisa's First Word

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LLLyle Lanley

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]

Heh-heh, mule.

LLLyle Lanley

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

LLLyle Lanley

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

LLyle

What's it called?

PSPatty and Selma

Monorail.

LLyle

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

HMs. Hoover

I hear those things are awfully loud.

LLyle

It glides as softly as a cloud!

AApu

Is there a chance the track could bend?

LLyle

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

LLyle

You'll be given cushy jobs!

ASAbe Simpson

Were you sent here by the Devil?

LLyle

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

LLyle

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

AAll

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

AAll

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

S4 Marge vs. the Monorail

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[Marge opens the fire extinguisher cabinet, sees a mother opossum with four offspring sleeping, who then start hissing]

Marge

Homer, there's a family of possums in here!

I call the big one Bitey.

S4 Marge vs. the Monorail

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Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?

Bart and Lisa (in unison): We're under six.

And I'm a college student. (chuckles)

(Marge comes in, upset)

Marge

Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.

Bart (running through his head who Great-Aunt Gladys is): Gladys...Gladys. About yea-high (puts his hand where his eyes are), blue hair, big dent in her forehead?

Marge

No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Bart (stares blankly, then shudders): Ugh! Oh, yeah. There she is.

Marge

The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

We understand.

No use complaining about something you can't change.

But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge

Homer, quit pouting.

I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.

S4 Selma's Choice

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Marge

Selma, your date's over already?

Selma

Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. (sighs): I guess I'll never have a baby.

Lisa (as she's watching a Duff Gardens commercial where Lance Murdock and a bunch of unnamed riders are being knocked back and forth on a large version of a Newton's cradle): Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination.

Homer (giggles): Boy, I don't know. You've got to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

(Marge whispers in Homer's ear what artificial insemination really is)

I knew that.

S4 Selma's Choice

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Cool! She'll be a freak.

Marge

Bart!

We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.

S4 Last Exit to Springfield

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Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

[gargles] Rrraaahhh…

Ah! Kill it! Kill it!

Marge

Grampa, please, he's in a coma.

Coma? Pffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the- [falls asleep, pauses, wakes up] French toast, please.

Is a coma painful?

S4 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show

Oh, heck no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girl from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

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Marge

You lost 5% of your brain.

S4 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show

Me lose brain? Uh-oh! [Everyone including Homer laughs] Why I laugh?

[The episode ends, showrunner appears. The credits begins. After the credits, Gracie Films and 20th Television appears at the end of the logo]

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HSHomer's Brain

This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.

Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Marge

Oh, my God!

HSHomer's Brain

No, the other secret!

Marge, I never graduated from high school.

Marge

Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap... Wait, maybe it does...

I never passed Remedial Science 1-A.

Marge [concerned] And you're a nuclear technician?

Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay!

Marge

What did you say?

Homer [upset] I don't know. I flunked Latin, too!

S4 The Front

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Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge

Is that bad?

Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge

You did?

Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

S4 Marge in Chains

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LBLisa and Bart

AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!

You wrote me those letters!

Marge

You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob

[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!

Oh no!

Sideshow Bob

Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.

Marge

No!

[Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]

S5 Cape Feare

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[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]

Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Marge

Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.

Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

I knew it.

S5 Rosebud

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[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]

Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.

Marge

[entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?

I think I'm blind.

[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]

Mr. Burns

Good day to you.

[They both leave]

S5 Rosebud

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BART! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis— Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!

QUICK!! We have to kill the boy!!

Marge

How'd you know he's a vampire?

He's a vampire? [screams]

S5 Treehouse of Horror IV

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RPRuth Powers

Look. You can see our houses.

Marge

Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.

(cut to the Simpsons living room. Lionel Hutz is throwing piles of his personal effects into the fireplace while Bart and Lisa watch)

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?