I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Well... of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...
Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?
MargeOh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
You're gonna just let him die?
Marge
I know you're upset.
[ticked off] Darn right, I'm upset!
Marge
[covers Bart's mouth] Bart! Watch your language! [uncovers Bart's mouth] Oh, you did. Sorry.
[ticked off] I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! [furiously leaves the kitchen and angrily mumbles to himself]
Well, it will be okay. We'll get him a new dog-- one with an untwistable stomach.
SSSanta's Little Helper
[whimpers on Homer's leg]
[gets annoyed] Oh, come on. I'm sorry but we just can't afford it. Marge, make him stop. Oh! All right, all right, we'll find a way. Lousy, manipulative dog.
Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
Marge
What conversation?
[Bart plays a tape recorder]
BBart (on tape)
"Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?" [bad imitation of Marge] "He sure can!"
Marge, what were you thinking?!
Marge
That's not my voice!
Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape!
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Marge
Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Quiet!
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
Marge
I don't think so.
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge
[sighs] No, Homer.
[Back in Springfield Community Center]
My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.
I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.
My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!
Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!
Marge
I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.
[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.
Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.
I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Marge
Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.
[First lines]
[impersonating Alfred Hitchcock] Good evening. [normally] I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you! [clucks, flaps his arms] Chicken!
[suddenly, the screen goes out. In darkness, a white dot is visible; offscreen] Hey!
[Footstep sounds heard]
Marge
[offscreen] Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?
[offscreen] No. I swear on this Bible.
Marge
[offscreen] That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples!
[The white dot disappears slowly]
Marge
Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um...let's see, poison.
What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Oh no, I'm not making two stops.
Marge
So do you think I have a case?
Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge
It's 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....
[Homer and Marge are sitting at their table at The Frying Dutchman, a waiter is taking their order]
WWaiter
I’m sorry ma’am but everything on the menu has fish in it.
Marge
What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
Marge
Well, I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse [looking through her purse]
WWaiter
Excellent choice. [writes on his notepad then turns to Homer] And for the gentleman?
All you can eat! All you can eat!
WWaiter
All right, when you’re ready, take this plate over- [holds up a small plate to give to Homer but he is already taking a tray from the buffet table]
KSKitchen staff member
Please, don’t take the steam tray! Sir!
Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
Marge
We pretty much went straight home.
Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
Marge
We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
And when you couldn't find any?
Marge
[crying] We went fishing!
[to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?
JThe Jury
[all of whom are incredibly obese] No!
OPOne Particular Fat Juror
That could have been me!
[Homer is in the hospital the day Lisa is born. Lisa is in her bassinet while Homer talks to her and Marge reads "Fretful Mother" magazine]
Little Lisa. I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
Marge
According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
[Homer and Marge are discussing moving out]
Marge
I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge
Won't that warp him?
Marge
You don't have a cousin Frank.
He became Francine in '76, then he joined that cult. I think his name is "Mother Shabubu" now.
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
