South Park Season 2 quotes

Cartman

No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Hey Tom, you got any pudding?

You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.

Well, what should we do now?

Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman

I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

[singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Suck my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!

Kyle

You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

You're damn right.

Cartman

That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.

Kyle

Well?

Cartman

I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Cartman

Aw, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Hey! We don't say fuck at the table, you little asshole!

Cartman

[mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.

Serves you right, you little brat!

Stan

Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]

If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

Stan

I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!

We're watching this!

Stan

Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

Kyle

Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?

Cartman

I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.

Stan

Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.

Kyle

Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.

Cartman

She what?!

Stan

It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.

Cartman

That bitch! I'm going to go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!

Kyle

No, no, no. Come on fat-boy, we're going to get them all back.

Will he be okay out of the hospital?

Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.

DIE!??

Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.

Okay, well well, let's go look—

As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.

Oh God, no!!

I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.

Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

Kyle

[voiceover] "My Final Solution" by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps.

WHAT!?

Kyle

[voiceover] If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End.

Oh God, what have I done?

Cartman

Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after he picks his nose]

Don't pick your nose, hon.

Cartman

GOD DAMN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!!

Stan, you want to help me cut some firewood?

Stan

We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough to last twelve years!

[tormented] When will you let me in? Let me love you! [normal] Now get your ass out here and help me!

Stan

You suck now, Cartman. And to be honest, If you want to play America vs. Bosnia, why don't you just play with Kenny.

Kyle

Yeah. I'll bet he would like it.

Cartman

That's fine! I like playing America vs. Bosnia with Kenny! I'll play with him every single day!

Cartman

What?

What are you doing, sweetheart?

Stan

Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--

You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you "need your space" and that I'm "sabotaging your creativity". Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamned cookie!

Stan

...Okay.