TV show quotes
Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
You've made it to a hundred episodes. You should be proud!
Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings.
Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jaggon.
Oh God, we did suck each others's jaggons!
Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.
...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Toilet paper, toilet paper...
You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Oh...ewww!
[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
Cartman!
Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!
[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
Cartman, what're you doing?
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
[in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
I don't have time for this, kid.
Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?
All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
[in a normal voice, but disturbed] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.
Hi, Dad.
Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!
Yeah.
What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.
Huh?
Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!
Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.
And that's your excuse?
Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]
Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
Yes, dude!
[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
[smacks Cartman] Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!
Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!
[pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
Maaaa. M-maaaa.
[annoyed] Shut up and study!
Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!
[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!
[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Stan and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]
HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
God damn it!
[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!
YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!
OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-
SHUT UP!!!
[Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Stan later joins in the argument, while Kenny watches]
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
