TV show quotes
Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.
[Butters goes into the closet]
We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]
Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!
You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.
Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!
Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
Right on!
Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!
No! Wait!
[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]
Ah, goddamn it!
Have you seen the poop swatches?
All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.
I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!
I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!
Isn't there anything I can do?!
If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
Jesus Christ!
Thanks a lot, Cartman! Because of you, there isn't going be a Christmas, and there is nobody left to help us!
[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]
Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]
[to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.
Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!
I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
[singing] Don't you kind of love December? When the merry snow bells chime. We're together once upon a wintertime.
Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.
Stan!
Kyle!
He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.
You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?
That's right.
What a dick.
[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]
Are you okay?
Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.
Well, doctor?
I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....
[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]
You alright?
You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
