[Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in a walk of Stan and Kenny]
[there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]
Ah, Stan, Kenny, you're just in time.
[shocked] Dude, what are you doing?
I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!
Hold on. How are you supposed to have an flashback, when you're about to commit suicide?
I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!
Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.
Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]
Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. Stan spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]
Cartman? [no response] Cartman? Oh crap.....
[breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]
Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.
What the hell are they doing now?
[face palm] Ah, I don't know.
EEverybody
For the war, against the war- who cares? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]
I hate this town. I really, really do.
CCartman (as Jennifer Lopez)
Ben! You bought me roses!
BABen Affleck
Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.
CCartman (as Jennifer Lopez)
I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
BABen Affleck
I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
CCartman (as Jennifer Lopez)
I know, my darling, that's okay!
[the boys, as part of their first assignment as actual policemen, are performing a raid on a meth lab, walking up the driveway to the premises]
What is a "meth lab", anyway?
I don't know, let's just hurry up, I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama.
[Interior scene, meth lab. Four drug dealers can be seen; two are working, one is cleaning a shotgun, and one is tying off his arm, injecting something.]
[Exterior scene, the boys walk up to the front door and Stan knocks.]
[Back inside, the drug dealers grab nearby guns and get ready.]
Uh, police, open up. [aside to others] Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?
No, dude, I totally spaced it.
[Suddenly, gunshots ring out from the lab, shattering a window. The boys take cover.]
D1Dealer 1
YOU DIE, PIGS! [fire more shots] YOU WANNA DIE, HUH?!
[Cut to inside, where the dealer is firing from an assault rifle. He loses control of his gun and accidentally shoots some chemicals, which ignite and light another drug dealer on fire, who runs out of the house screaming in agony as the boys watch speechless. A pickup truck with two other drug dealers then smashes through the garage door, with one of the dealers firing at the boys.]
D2Dealer 2
You won't take us alive!
[The pickup truck drives off of a ramp, lands on its left side on the road, is T-boned by a UPS truck, which is then hit by a passenger car, causing an explosion and the occupants of the involved vehicles running around screaming and on fire. As the boys look on, they notice the last drug dealer escaping in a small prop plane.]
D3Dealer 3
So long, coppers!
[The plane's fuel guage shows the plane is out of fuel.]
D3Dealer 3
Oh, shit! [screams]
[The unpowered plane quickly loses altitude and crashes into South Park's post office, destroying it and severely damaging several surrounding buildings. Bystanders caught in the explosion are seen running on fire and screaming. The boys simply stare in shock.]
[Interior scene, police station. Lt. Dawson is reading the boys the riot act.]
LDLt. Dawson
One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!
Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--
LDLt. Dawson
You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
LDLt. Dawson
One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]
MOfficer Murphy
Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.
[the officers begin to giggle]
JOfficer Jenkins
Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?
HOfficer Hopkins
Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
MOfficer Murphy
Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?
MOfficer Murphy
Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
[softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
MOfficer Murphy
Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
JOfficer Jenkins
Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
HOfficer Hopkins
I said, back off, Murphy!
MOfficer Murphy
Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?
JOfficer Jenkins
That's right. Come on, bring it!
3Officer 3
Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
LDLt. Dawson
What the heck is the problem here?!
MOfficer Murphy
No problem, sir. No problem at all.
LDLt. Dawson
Then hit the showers, all of ya!
