Welcome to Cartmanland.
[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]
Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]
And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
[Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.
Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.
[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.
[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....]
No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.
[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]
[the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]
[Back to Money Quest...]
Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]
Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]
[approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!
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