SheilaWait up, Eric, we need to stay together. (her phone rings) Oh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. (takes it out of her purse and answers it) Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! (to the boys) Boys, they found Clyde! (Cartman starts to panic) He's okay!
Sheila
...yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? (she starts to get furious) Oh, really.
Sheila
Yes, I will certainly let him know! Thank you! (hangs up) Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Clyde missing, because HE wanted to go to Casa Bonita.
Sheila
Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!
I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
But I... (turns back and holds Kyle) Stand back!
Cartman, you don't have to do this.
I am going to Casa Bonita! (the boys hear police sirens)
It's too late, fatass, they'll be here in less than a minute!
Ah...nyah! (throws Kyle and runs inside Casa Bonita in a state of panic) Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!
Sheila
What?
Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.
Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!
Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?
Sheila
Absolutely not, Kyle!
But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
Sheila
Yes, but Kyle--
Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
Sheila
Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
Sheila
The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!
But Jews can't play basketball!
Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!
[angrily shouts] I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!! [storms into his room in a fit of rage]
[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]
DMr. Donaldson
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!
SBSheila Broflovski
Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.
DMr. Donaldson
Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]
[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.
What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--
I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]
Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]
Sheila
Oh, thank you, Eric.
Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
DMr. Donaldson
Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!
Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
Sheila
Kyle? Kyle!
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
[at the South Park Hair Salon]
Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
CCaroline
Theresa! Calm. Down.
JJulia
I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
CCaroline
Get her, Sharon!!
JJacqueline
Sharon, just stay out of it!
CCaroline
Be, the bigger person, Sharon!
CCaroline
Who's crazy? Are you talking about my family?! (grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps; Sharon begins to scream) Is my family crazy?!
Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! (pulls Sharon back by the hair)
Sheila
[barges in, savagely] Let go of her, you piece of trash!
Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!
Sheila
All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
Sheila
(slaps Theresa's hand away) No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!
JJacqueline
[to Sheila] You're, cabbage!
Sheila
I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.
[enunciating] What am I, Mom?
Sheila
When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.
[getting scared] What are you saying?!
Sheila
I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.
[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!
Sheila
It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.
[walks by and looks]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]
I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!
[Kyle returns home from school and finds Ike sitting in the dining room corner]
Sheila
Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble!
Sheila
It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the Internet troll who's caused all this pain in our community!
Sheila
It was him all along! Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn that this ugliness came from our family!
[Broflovski Residence; Kyle's room]
Sheila
[enraged] WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! HOW DARE YOU OUTRIGHT DEFY ME LIKE THAT?! Your brother was being punished for using the computer, and you just decide to leave with him?!
I just felt bad for him, Ma.
Sheila
You felt BAD for him?! After all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait till your father gets home! [leaves Kyle's room, slamming the door closed]
"Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has ended and that a military strike on the country is now imminent."
"The President stated that since the--"
Sheila
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! [Kyle and Ike scream and fall away from the computer] GET OFF THAT COMPUTER!!!
Mom, we were just using it to look at the news.
Sheila
I DON'T CARE! I said, no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!
I'm not against you, Mom.
Sheila
You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Sheila
And when your father gets home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.
What is Dad doing in Denmark?!
Sheila
The government sent him over there to do paralegal training. So it would have been nice if you could have shown a little support!
Sheila
Yes?
Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off]
Sheila
WHAAAAAAAAAT?! [gets out of her bed and chases after him downstairs to the kitchen] You get back here, you little monster! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [to Kyle] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!
Sheila
Don't you try and hide from me now! [goes in the pantry] You are in big trouble, Ike! [Kyle shuts the door behind her and props a chair up under the door knob] Whaaat?! What, whaat?! Kyle! You open his door right now!! Open this door!!!
You are all dumb-ass... fuckwads. [as Sheila furiously twitches while entering his room after breaking out of the pantry] Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch.
Sheila
[incredibly enraged] IKE!!! [Ike screams] YOU DARE LOCK ME IN THE PANTRY SO YOU CAN PLAY ON YOUR COMPUTER?! [runs for his computer, picks up the monitor, and smashes it to the floor]
Sheila
YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
[screams as he runs out of his room and down the hallway into Gerald's study] Kyle!
Sheila
IKE!
Shit! [gets off the computer]
Sheila
YOU! You helped make your brother this way!
Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help the--
Sheila
[interrupting] SHUT UP! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer… FOREVER!
[Sheila runs up to the Tucker Residence, pounds on the front door and Laura answers]
Sheila
Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me! [Laura looks at her and breaks down, crying; confused] What? What, what?!
[sobbing] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard! When you marry someone and you think you know them...
Sheila
[not understanding] I don't know what you're talking about.
Troll Trace. [points to a laptop on the table] It's up and running. It can tell you anybody's Internet . I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. The Web sites he's visited are just... disgusting!
Sheila
May I use this a moment?
Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see.
Sheila
There's nothing here. Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. Oh, Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me!
Sheila
I accused Ike of-- I can't really say. But this thing says he's clean! I gotta find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much!
It's not our kids we have to worry about. My husband was on three married-but-dating websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?
Sheila
No. I, I have to respect Gerald's privacy.
Sure, yeah, respect. Nice of you to give him that. Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name…just for a quick little look?
[Café Monet]
Sheila
Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.
[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.
Sheila
Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.
[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!
Sheila
Harriet, I do not like your tone.
You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!
Sheila
What are you talking about?
I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!
Sheila
So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?
That's beside the point now!
Sheila
Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!
Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!
MDMale Diner
Oho. Okay ladies, come on.
Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!
You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
