Mr. Mackey quotes from South Park

Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?

We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, M'kay?

M'kay.

Kyle

We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us...feel hurt...and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Yeah.

He's right.

Kyle

And in the end, I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

Now today we have a special guest speaker. Does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

Kyle

Dick Cheney?

No, no, the last one.

Butters

Bill Clinton?

No, Clinton's Vice President.

This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!

Oh no, not the goddamn...m'kay.

Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?

I dunno. [looks away]

You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]

Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.

M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!

Cartman

Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls! [audience applauds] And I also wanna say that [revealed that he made the whole thing up.] I'm making all this up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?

Uh, it's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?

Cartman

No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]

Ewwww!

Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?

Kyle

No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Sheila

Kyle? Kyle!

Cartman

Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!

Kyle

[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!

Cartman

Kyle, what?

Stan

What did he do?

Kyle

WHY DO I HAVE HIV?!

....Oh.

Cartman

Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?

Kyle

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Cartman

Nothing!

Kyle

Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!

Cartman

Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!

Kyle

TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!

Cartman

Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--

Kyle

[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Kyle

HATE YOU!! HATE YOU!!

[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!

Cartman

Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!

Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?

Cartman

(Well,) Kind of.

Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.

That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.

Cartman

I'm sorry.

Kyle

An apology?!

You're sorry for what, Eric?

Cartman

I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.

That's better. And now, Kyle, you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.

Kyle

What?!

Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh, tattling's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?

Kyle

A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!

You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Stan

Aww, he was packing fudge!

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!

They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?

Stan

It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.

But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.

Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!

Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.

That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!

Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...

What?

I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...

I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!

Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.

Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...

Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Stan

Ooooo...

That's tricky.

Well then you can just get sued!

Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-

NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

[back in the studio, angrily] Mm mkay, in 15 minutes, you're all not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say: That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening, and you're all FUCKING AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's because tooth decay sucks. [the other kids agree with the dental floss kid.]

[ticked off] Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [to dental floss] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss. (angry yelling) You're not as good as you fucking think you are!!! You're already acting like you're a star, and we haven't even opened yet!!! (screaming furiously) OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, DENTAL FLOSS!!!! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cartman

There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?

Butters

Is that really all our wiener sizes!?

Cartman

Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!

Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.

Butters

Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?

Kyle

How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]

I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.

You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]

Stan

[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.

Cartman

[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!

Butters

[curious and confused] A conspiracy?

They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!

Kyle

Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.

Cartman

Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!

Alright, are we sure we're alone?

We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?

What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!

This story hasn't gone on Eavesdropper yet, maybe it won't.

Oh, right! The school faculty tries to poison all their students, that's not gonna be on Wikileaks!

Let's just face it. We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help, we have to lie in them.

Kyle

[enters the principal's office where Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, and three Israel rabbis are all waiting] What's going on?

Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator.

Kyle

I don't speak Hebrew.

Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important.

[seeing all the girls hearing her criticizing their looks] Oh, God damn it.

Bebe

[enraged] You HATER!

[incensed] Wendy, IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW, M'KAY!