Mr. Mackey quotes from South Park

Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.

[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?

People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?

Yes, thank you!

Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.

Then eat it!

Excuse me?

If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?

Yeah. Alright. [Sips the gluten up. After a few seconds he contorts and groans in pain, burns began to appear throughout his body. The audience began to panic, then his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out and soon launches itself like a rocket]

Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off.

Cartman

Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?

Kyle

Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?

Cartman

The playground's burned down, dude.

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah.

Cartman

Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!

Stan

[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"

Because that's what you said.

Stan

That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!

Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?

Stan

TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!

You're the asshole!

Kyle

[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.

Kind of like your start-up company.

Token

Kyle just hit Clyde!

Jimmy

Get him!

Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?

Huh?

Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?

I packed a lunch.

[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.

What? Fired?

Cartman

Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters

What?!

Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.

And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Wha— I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Heidi

[enters Mr. Mackey's office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?

Oh, yes, Heidi. Uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set something up for you.

Heidi

What?

…Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?

Heidi

Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.

Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you being the judge this weekend?

Heidi

Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at school?

But, you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.

Heidi

So, now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!

But… Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?

Heidi

Well, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.

Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.

Heidi

You're gonna force me to come to school on a Saturday?!

Heidi, eh… is everything all right?

Heidi

Oh, what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!

Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.

Heidi

Oh, Goddammit!

Heidi

[standing on the podium] Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so-called school. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor demand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special-needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.

It's not a trailer!

Heidi

Theresa, get over it. You live in a trailer park. It's not a big deal.

Cartman

Uh, okay, honey. You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.

Heidi

What did you say?!

Cartman

I just… I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.

Heidi

"GET THIS OVER WITH?!" You're supposed to be supporting me!

Cartman

I am supporting you, sweetheart!

Heidi

Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!

[to PC Principal] She's kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]

Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?

Uhm'kay.

So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]

Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?

Yeah, yeah, I hear it.

[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.

E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]

M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?

Sheila

How are you going to do this?

Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?

Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!

Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.

There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!

Spoken like a true redneck.

Oh, fuck you!

Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]

I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.

The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!

Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.

I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.

And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.

I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.

That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.

What new teachers?

Boys! Boys, you made it!

Cartman

Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.

Stan

Hello, Ms. Nelson.

Kyle

We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.

Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID, since the boys were too late]

As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!

[pointing a gun in the back of Mr. Mackey's head] What are you doing here?

Don't shoot. I-I'm just the school counselor. [turns around] Mr. Stotch?

Mr. Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun!

[arrives at his old childhood home and knocks on the door before his mother answers] Hi, Mom.

[joyfully] Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay!

Mom, I need to use something in my old room.

Well, sure, come on in! [they walk up to Mr. Mackey's old bedroom] Everything is still just as you left it, son.

Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start. I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country!

Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack.

[enters Mr. Mackey's room, holding a tray] Here's your Sunny Delight and Steak-umms, honey.

[indignantly] Get outta my room, Mom, God! Get outta my room!

[worried] Sweetheart... are you m'kay?"

[stops and thinks] Of course I'm not m'kay... you wouldn't understand cause you're a grown-up!

Honey... as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if it's about being scared of getting old.

[realizes what she's saying, stops what he's doing, turns around to face her, sighs heavily] Things used to be so much simpler, mama. There was a good guy and a-and a bad guy And we all... sort of came together and loved our country... not like it is now.

[grabs a stool and brings it closer to him to sit down] Ooh, junior. I know gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger. You're getting to be around 55. Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it?

How'd you know about that, mom?

We'll I'm your mom, honey. When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to...well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know? But honey, those times weren't better. We were all scared. People died. That's not something to strive to get back to.

You're right, mama. I've been bad.

Oh, you're not bad-

No, I'm bad-

No, no, sweetheart It-it just felt good cause it was familiar. That's just sort of what us old people do.

All right, people. It's almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?

South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor. Nobody's got the money.

Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy. So I'm afraid we just can't help.

What about the City Pop-up Store? Can't they help sponsor this year's race?

How shitty Asian pop-up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We're more fucked than anybody!

Let's just face it, Mayor. South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.

[entering the room with janitor equipment] Trash? Anybody got trash?

[forming a ball with paper] Oh, yeah, here's some, bank shot! [throws it at him]

There has to be a solution, people. [gets up from her seat and walks over to a window, looking outside] The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now more than ever.

Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch'a money. I mean, they're giving money to everyone else, why not us?

[turns around] My God... [smiles] That's it!