Stephen Stotch quotes from South Park

Butters

[hisses at his parents after jumping off his bookshelf and stands on the open window] I know now what I have to do. [jumps out the window and runs away]

Stephen, what has happened to our boy?!

(I think) He's become something, Linda. Something that… we cannot ground.

Well, do you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!

Butters

Uh-oh.

Butters, you are grounded!

Butters

Ah, dangit! [gets off the sofa and goes upstairs to his room in annoyance]

It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more.

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters sits on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?

Butters

What's sarcasm and what's cum?

We'll talk about that when you're older.

Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football.

Cartman

You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!

Kyle

[puzzled] Butters? Why?

Cartman

It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!

Stan

You're talking about Butters?

Cartman

Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!

Stan

[knocking on the door] Butters?

Butters

[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Stan

Butters, come out here.

Butters

GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!

Kyle

Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...

Butters

[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]

Cartman

Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?

Butters

[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]

Cartman

Wow.

Butters

[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!

I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.

[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!

Butters

[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!

[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?

Butters

I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!

Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?

Butters

[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!

Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.

Excuse me?

Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.

Who do our children think they are, blocking our TV content?!

How are they able to do this with their smartphones?

It's all right. Our kids think they outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company.

Nice one, Stotch! Your castle fucking sucks!

Ah, go to hell, you griefer!

All the windows are barricaded in the back.

Good. Those boards there could use some reinforcement, too. What about the blankets? Do we have enough blankets?

[comes downstairs with seven blankets] I found seven upstairs. Will that be enough?

There should be more in the basement, Sharon.

Stan

Could someone please tell us what's going on?

Nothing, boys. It's just-- Maybe a blizzard on the way, that's all.

Look, are we really gonna keep the kids in the dark about this?

Kyle

About what? You tell us we were all staying at Butters' house, and then you all board up the windows and doors. What's going on?

Tell them, Stephen.

You kids-- You've had the luxury of living in a very peaceful time. When we were kids, things weren't so great. There were countries, corporations, all fighting over which kind of vehicle should be the car of the future. Each week, they would hold a race. They were blood baths. Humanity at its very worst. They were called, the Wacky Races.

A race of different vehicles driven by some of the most insane people on Earth. They'd do whatever they could to stop one another and win.

Every week, it was the same. Completely senseless violence for no apparent reason. We would watch on Saturday mornings. It was unbearable.

I saw a man get his head run over, flattened into the pavement while his dog-- his dog laughed. It laughed! [starts to sob as Linda consoles him]

For whatever reason, the world leaders have decided to bring the Wacky Races back. All we can do is stay inside and wait-- wait for it to be over.

[sobbing] Why did the dog laugh?! Why, Linda?!

Cartman

[as the drone flies over to the backyard of the Tucker residence] Dude, there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!

Kenny

[muffled] Okay, try to get closer!

Butters

Okay, uh, maybe that's enough.

Cartman

Oh, dude, look, there's Craig! [chuckles; the drone moves to the next window of Thomas and Laura's master bedroom, showing Laura getting undressed] Craig's mom's taking off her clothes.

Kenny

[muffled] Are you serious?!

Butters

Let me see!

Cartman

Check it out, guys, she's taking off… Oh, my God, we've got full bush!

Kenny

[muffled] Stop taping!

Butters

Jeeeeezz!

Cartman

[to Kenny] This thing is recording, right?

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah!

Cartman

Dude, that is Craig's mom's bush, right there! Wait. Wait, what's that? [Thomas has been called over and looks at the drone outside their window when Laura heard it as she stands behind him] Oh, shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller to Butters]

Butters

What do I do?!

Cartman

His dad sees you!

Butters

[starting to panic] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Cartman

Fly back to the house, stupid!

[angrily banging on the door and Stephen answers] You got a problem, Stotch?!

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!

Hey, now, hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.

Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!

I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, and sure enough, the drone and its controller are sitting on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.

So... so you flew it back here in time?

I swear I didn't fly it.

Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]

[showing up at the Marsh residence with Butters behind him and bangs on the door before Randy answers; frazzled] Randy, we need to talk.

Okay.

[whispers] Inside! [moments later; pacing back and forth while Butters sits on the sofa with Randy and Sharon] I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news. [walks up to Randy] Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts?

No. I didn't.

I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them.

What might be?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy?!

Drones are spooky?

If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby.

There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?

Butters

Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!

I know that. What do you…?

Butters

This is for all the times I got grounded! [socks his father in the groin]

[doubles over in pain as Linda watches in shock of horror] OHHH! OOH! OOH!

Butters

HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [through walkie-talkie] Ha, ha! How do you like that, Dad?!

[through walkie-talkie; horrified] Butters, why?! Oh, my God!

Butters

PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the-

Butters?! Who is that?!

Butters

[screaming]

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Huh for what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Yup!

Yup, that's right.

I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "shitheads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]

Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.

It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.

We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!

And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!

Where could it even go?

Mayor?

I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.

Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!

Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

What?!

There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!