Stephen Stotch quotes from South Park

Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.

I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?

[referring to himself and his wife] We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [sips his coffee]

[while dragging Butters] You think you're just so smart, don't you?

Butters

No, sir.

Make me look a fool, will you? We'll just see about this! [he and his son enter Vladimir's office] Not so funny now, is it? Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!

Butters

Well, I was just, I just said how I'd use Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules and--

Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to (either) cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points to Vladimir] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!

Nyet, sir. (No, sir.)

No! You don't go around making things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg 'cause he deserves it. [walks to the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves the office, slamming the door behind him]

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

Butters

Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!

[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, then walks into the house through the kitchen, enters the living room, and puts on his vest]

Butters really loves that bike parade.

I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.

You work too hard at that place.

Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.

[with Linda, Gerald and Sheila creeping behind him; whispering] Alright, alright. Bring him in! [Richard and Mrs. Tweak enter with the doctor] The little boy's room is upstairs.

[whispering; worried] Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!

Look, by the time he knows what's happened, it'll already be over.

Did you bring his boo-boo present?

Yes, yes. Come on, Thomas and Laura!

Cartman

[suddenly wakes up, sensing someone nearby] Hey, what's going on? [notices the doctor about to inject the vaccine into him, then bolts out of bed, and runs around in panic]

It'll be just for a second!

[trying to catch him] Oh, Jesus!

Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still!

Butters

Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?

Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.

Butters

But, they said they're open again, so I--

Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential! Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.

M'kay, welcome, parents, to this all-school town meeting to talk about how we're gonna get your kids back into the classroom. Can everyone hear me okay? [the parents all replying] Okay, well, parents, we've made some amazing adjustments and hirings, m'kay? We believe we can welcome students back on Monday. M'kay?

Sheila

How are you going to do this?

Yeah, what happens when my son is sitting in a room with Craig Tucker, whose father doesn't even wear a mask outside?

Oh, here we fucking go again. Stop mask shaming, Stotch!

Well, it's really not a mask if you wear it down around your chin. That's a chin diaper.

There's no real proof that a mask even fuckin' does anything!

Spoken like a true redneck.

Oh, fuck you!

Okay. Okay, everyone. Alright. [presses a key on his computer keyboard silence muting everyone] Mmkay! I just muted everybody! Okay! Now, if we don't get along, I'll just sit here with you all on mute! Okay, now let's try this again. [presses a key, unmuting everyone]

I saw Wendy's mother not wearing a mask in the changing room at Ross.

The fuck are you doing spying on me in the changing room?!

Okay! BOOM! [mute silences everyone again] You're all muted! M'kay? I can do this all day! Now, we've made changes at the school, and we feel prepared to welcome your students back! [Roger raises his hand] Mr. Donovan.

I don't care what changes you've made. My son Clyde is not going to class.

And that is your prerogative. Mute. Uhkay, Mrs. Marsh.

I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.

That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return, but… we have hired all new teachers, m'kay? These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. Uhkay, so they'll do just about anything.

What new teachers?

Butters?! Butters, you get back to quarantine or you're gonna be grounded!

Hey, Stotch! You heard what the scientists said! Get your diaper up over you mustache area!

I'm not wearing a damn diaper over my nose!

Don't you care about people?!

Yeah, we care way more about what's right than you do, bitch! [punches Mrs. Testaburger in the face as she falls to the ground and gets punched in return by Thomas]

Stan

[stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!

Cartman

You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!

Stan

You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]

Kyle

[awed] I don't believe it.

So, so what happens now?

Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]

Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]

Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags Bob White behind him, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!

Stan

What the heck is that?

It's him! It's the chosen one!

He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!

Wait, he's the chosen one?

Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!

[injecting himself] Hey, Garrison, good job!

[as Linda injects him] Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!

[laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

[to Linda] We should just pull Butters out of dressage. He sucks at this.

Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.

Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared. The big competition is this weekend. Butters will be going up against the Russians.

[looking worried] Oh, look, here comes the Russian now!

BOO!

Boo, Russia! Boo!

Hey, what are you (two) booing at a little kid for?

Don't you know who that is?! That's Dan Solokov's kid! Dan Solokov? Who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker! Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan! [turns to Solokov's son] You piece of shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia!

[as Melancholy stops and shits on the ground] Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?!

Butters

Well, I don't know!

You have to learn to control!

Butters

[clicks tongue] Come on, Melancholy, come on!

[disgusted] Ewww!

Butters, what the hell is that?!

Butters

What is what? [looks down at the boner; disgusted] Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy!

[pointing a gun in the back of Mr. Mackey's head] What are you doing here?

Don't shoot. I-I'm just the school counselor. [turns around] Mr. Stotch?

Mr. Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun!

[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?

Butters

Oh. Hey, Mom and Dad.

You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.

Butters

Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.

[to Linda] A long night, he says. [back to his son] That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' paycheck] $0 in your bank account?!

Butters

[shocked with horror] What?!

So now what are you really doing, young man?

Butters

$0?! But I've been working every day! (That's impossible!)

Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.

[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!

And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]

Butters

[enraged] That son of a gun!