Stephen Stotch quotes from South Park

So-so that's it? No $200,000,000? [down to Butters; annoyed] Well, Butters, I hope you're happy.

Butters

[turns left and walks away in disgrace] I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear.

You're grounded, old bear.

Mr.and Mrs. Stotch?

Yes? What is it, officer?

You'd better come quick.

Your son is at the Bowery Building, threatening to kill himself.

What?!

[pulling up to the house as Butters runs out] Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?

Butters

[traumatized] I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper!

You had a nightmare. Turn around and get back in your room, right now!

Butters

But, Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Well, do you want to get shot or you want to be grounded? [Butters runs back inside the house and to his room, screaming; to Linda] Honestly, why do you let him watch that darned Black Entertainment Channel?

Butters

[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

Cartman

Butters.

Butters

Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman

Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters

A surprise? What is it?

Cartman

It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters

Oh, boy!

Cartman

You ready?

Butters

Y-yeah!

Cartman

Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!

Butters

Oh, okay!

Cartman

Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters

How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman

'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters

Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman

[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters

[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

Cartman

I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters

Okay!

Cartman

All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

Butters!

Cartman

Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters

Whoa! Hey, Dad!

Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters

I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters

[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters

Like what?

Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters

What's...bi-curious?

You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

What's going on, you two?

Butters

Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

Well, Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.

Butters

No. I like being bi-curious.

Well, you know something? [kneels down] So do I. [he and his son both chuckle]

Butters

[stops chuckling] Wait. Now I am confused.

Stan

[answers phone] Hello?

Kyle

Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan

No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle

[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan

Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle

Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan

Why?

Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle

What did they say?!

We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle

..Dude...

Butters

Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it.

You are in Imaginationland! This is a dream.

Butters

Huh?

Hey, wake up, stupid! C'mon, wake up, kid!

Butters

[wakes up] No, wait! I was back home in bed!

No, you passed out and peed your pants!

[points] Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out!

Butters

Oh hamburgers!

Allah! [got knocked by an evil character from the bad side]

[as Butters wakes up when he and Linda enter his room] Come on, Butters, time to get up.

Butters

Oh, Dad! I had the craziest dream! I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!

You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?

You are grounded, mister.

Butters

[disappointed] Oh. [realizes] Wait, I'm not grounded.

Oh, yes, you are.

Butters

Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]

That only works in imagination land. You're grounded.

Butters

Hey, wait! I think that's teacher's penis!

Your teacher's penis?

Butters

Yeah, that must be his.

[concerned] Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?

Butters

[puzzled] Huh?

[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!

Kyle

I have to get online before school.

Stan

What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.

Right, Starbucks!

Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.

Hey, is your guys' Internet working?

No! Nobody's is!

[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!

Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!

How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!

Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.

Good idea! [takes out his cellphone] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report! There's no Internet!

There has to be a way to find out what's going on.

We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!

[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We… We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. [pans the camera to the Stotches] There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.

Butters

[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]

What is that? Chris, what is that?

Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.

[points to something up in the sky] Oh, God, look!

Those aren't guinea pigs!

Get off the roof!

[following them as they get off the roof and run down the stairs] Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, God. Going down the stairs now. Okay, getting down the stairs!

And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.

Get away! There's bees everywhere! There's another one right there!

[pans the camera to a giant guinea bee] OH, MY GOD!!!

[on the ground, with a stinger stabbed in his chest] It stung me! IT STUNG ME!

Look, I think we need to find a way out under the city.

In the sewers? It can't be safe down there!

Oh, God. What are gonna do?

Something's inside the store!

Guinea rabbits! They're inside!

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

[screaming in horror] TRAVIS! NO!

(It's too late!) You can't help him!

Butters

[panicking as he enters the house] Mom! Mom, I gotta tell you something! You're not gonna believe it!

[knitting] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy.

Butters

Oh, no. What I'd do this time?

You just march on in there.

Butters

Oh, jeez. [marches into the kitchen and enters]

You see this, Butters? It's a glass of milk that I poured for myself. And you see this? It's Hamburger Helper. Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!

Butters

[nervously] I have no idea, sir.

I'll tell you why! [opens the pantry] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically. But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!

Butters

I'm sorry, Dad. It's just I've been really preoccupied lately.

How about we send him to Transylvania?

Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

Scottsdale.

[knocking on the door] Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [rattles the door handle and finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door!

[rattling the handle and pounds on the door] Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!