[South Park Elementary School; Craig goes through his locker as Jimmy, Token, and Clyde walk up to him]
Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [chuckles with Token and Clyde; Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards them]
What are you talking about?
Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.
Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.
[Butters angrily comes out of nowhere and shoves Cartman into the boys' bathroom, slamming him into the stall 1 wall]
ButtersWhat the heck are you doing?!
Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.
Butters
WHY DID YOU PUT CRAIG'S MOM'S BUSH ON THE INTERNET?!
There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?
Butters
Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!
I know that. What do you…?
Butters
This is for all the times I got grounded! [socks his father in the groin]
[doubles over in pain as Linda watches in shock of horror] OHHH! OOH! OOH!
Butters
HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [through walkie-talkie] Ha, ha! How do you like that, Dad?!
[through walkie-talkie; horrified] Butters, why?! Oh, my God!
Butters
[through walkie-talkie] Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.
Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?
Butters
I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!
Butters
Take that, you damn hooker!
HHooker
[through walkie-talkie] What you doin' motherfucker?!
Butters
I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.
Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destabilizing!
Butters
I can't… I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh… I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!
[Hell's Pass Hospital; Butters is in a hospital bed, recovering from getting stabbed]
CDr. Carroll
You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.
Butters
I… I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah, I thought I was just in a virtual reality.
CDr. Carroll
No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents, and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.
Butters
[disappointed] Aw, nuts!
CDr. Carroll
Try and relax, and when your parents get here, we'll sort this all out.
Butters
Wonder how long I'm grounded for.
[Stan heads back to Cartman's room and takes off the Oculus headset with the next scene showing the boys in live-action]
So aside from all the bullcrap, why you think of the Oculus?
It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck.
Butters
[entering the room; hopping happily] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.
[The students and parents are all assembled in an emergency meeting at the school cafeteria at night]
[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.
VMVarious Men
What? Fired?
And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.
All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!
Oh, I was a lesbian then.
A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!
Butters
No, he got brainwashed by a cult.
And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.
Butters
What?!
Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?
Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.
And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.
I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!
Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!
What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!
I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig. I saw your text to Michael about hooking up with him!
Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.
No. Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.
Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?
Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.
[tearing up; voice cracks] No-ho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!
You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.
I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?!
This wasn't part of the plan!
Well, guess what, Craig?! Love doesn't follow a plan!
Butters
Yeah!
I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes.
[Lunchtime in the school cafeteria]
Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?
Butters
Yeah.
He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him; Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]
Well what are you guys talking about?
Butters
Nothin'.
Stan's calling you a traitor.
Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
And why do you think that, Stan?!
Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!
Butters
Wuh huh, that's a good point.
I am loving this right now.
My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!
It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!
Hohh that's low. [smiles]
Don't you dare call me a Cartman!
N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!
[talking in Cartman's voice] FUCK YOU, KYLE! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]
[while dragging Butters] You think you're just so smart, don't you?
Butters
No, sir.
Make me look a fool, will you? We'll just see about this! [he and his son enter Vladimir's office] Not so funny now, is it? Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!
Butters
Well, I was just, I just said how I'd use Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules and--
Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to (either) cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points to Vladimir] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!
PPutin
Nyet, sir. (No, sir.)
No! You don't go around making things about people either, unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg 'cause he deserves it. [walks to the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves the office, slamming the door behind him]
Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!
I don't know, all right?!
You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?
It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
I had no idea what was going on!
Butters
[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]
Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!
No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.
Butters
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Butters
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.
CHCartman & Heidi
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
[South Park Elementary; Ms. Nelson is handing her students back their graded math exams]
I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not.
[disappointed as he received an F] Aw, man!
The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one?
[Sounds of gunshots and children screaming are heard from outside in the hallway]
Butters
[raises his hand] Add together the 3 and the 3!
Good, Butters. We add the 3's together. And what about the 4's? Token?
They're the denominators, so they stay a 4.
[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]
Butters
There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]
Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?
What are you guys so upset about?
[Stotch house garage, Butters works on his bike making it stand out]
Butters
Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!
[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, then walks into the house through the kitchen, enters the living room, and puts on his vest]
Butters really loves that bike parade.
I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.
You work too hard at that place.
Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
