[Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the iTunes us agreement on the monitor. Gerald, Kenny and Stan are there too.]
Butters"You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."
Can somebody please explain to me what is going on? [Butters Scrolls down]
We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to. [Butters Scrolls down again]
There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.
Butters
Oh Nope. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user." [Gerald becomes worried]
Butters
"Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click on... "Decline".
Butters
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters
Skeletor's real?
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters
Skeletor's a lady?!
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
Butters
Hey, Eric!
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!
You get in trouble again, Cartman?
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!
That doesn't make any sense.
[The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in from of the chart that Cartman had mentioned.]
There, ya see!? Can ya fahking believe it!?!?
Butters
Is that really all our wiener sizes!?
Yeah, dude look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 in"! [turns around and faces the others] Why would they tell everybawdy that!?!? They wanna measure my wiener, FINE! BUT DON'T PUT ME ON BLAST!!!!
Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah; that's about right.
Butters
Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
How big do they say mine is? [several other boys walk up to the chart in curiosity as Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey watch from afar]
I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
You right. They really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away.]
[looks at the chart in perplexation] Wait, it says that my penis is only 2.1 inches; that doesn't seem right.
[enraged] No schick, Sherlock! My penis isn't 1.2 inches eitha! IT ISN'T! This is anotha conspiracah by DA SCHOOL FACUALTAHH!!!
Butters
[curious and confused] A conspiracy?
CCassie
They're tryin' to stir up some big thing again, get all da girls all heated up- freakin' out- over which boy has da biggest schlong! THIS HAS TO BE DEALT WITH!!!!
Well, everyone's already seen it; there's nothing we can do about it now.
Oh, there's something we can do about it, alright! It they're gawna put us on blast, they're at least gawna get da numbahs right! We are going to REMEASHAA!!!!
[off-screen] Clyde?! Clyde?! [enters Mr. Garrison's classroom] There you are!
Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?!
How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde?! I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again!
RRoger
Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.
No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit, and I am sick and tired of it! If I had sat down, I would've gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
Butters
My grandma's from Virginia.
You are coming home right now, Clyde, and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs! Let's go!
And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters sits on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean you need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?" Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?
Butters
What's sarcasm and what's cum?
We'll talk about that when you're older.
Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football.
You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere, Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
You're talking about Butters?
Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!
[The boys leave the cafeteria and stand outside the restroom around the corner, where Butters has locked himself in]
[knocking on the door] Butters?
Butters
[off-screen] LEAVE ME ALONE!
Butters
GET OUTTA HERE, ALL OF YA!
Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes. Now, whatever your problem is, you just...
Butters
[unlocks the door and barges out] You just think you know everything, don't you, Kyle?! Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well, you don't know everything because your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about his image! You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school?! You're all fake and stuck up and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in]
Well, apparently, Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?
Butters
[runs out of the restroom again] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! YOU'RE ALWAYS TRIVIALIZING EVERYTHING I SAY BY GETTING THE LAST WORD! WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE LAST WORD THIS TIME! [runs back into the restroom and locks himself in again]
Butters
[peeks his head out the door] Double wow!
[Later… in Principal Victoria's office; Principal Victoria discusses with Stephen and Linda about Butters' behavior]
I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
[irked] Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
Butters
[gruffly while feeling grouchy] I don't know, Dad, I was just pissed off, I guess!
[sternly] Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?
Butters
I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?
Butters
[angrily snapping] Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick in your ear, for crying out loud!
[After a short pause…]
Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of Panua.
Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
[runs up to the boys at the neighborhood park] Guys! You guys! Listen. Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.
Come on, guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.
I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!
Butters
Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.
[stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!
Butters
Huh? Wha? NO. Uh-uh, why?
[walks towards him] What did Cartman tell you?!
Butters
He didn't tell me nothin'. And I'm sworn to secrecy. I-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [gasps] Uh, don't make me say anymore!
Tell us what you know, right now!
Butters
I can't! Don't you see?! [feels his body and takes out a small bottle of almond M&M's] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it!
Butters
It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Please, just leave me alone.
Then you have to tell us!
Butters
Well… uh… HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the almond M&M and makes sure he doesn't throw up]
Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it!
[grabs Butters by the collar] Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!
Butters
Ah! Bah! I hate almonds.
Butters
Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?
Butters
Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?
Butters
Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?
I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.
Butters
Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.
[Butters and Scott visit George R. R. Martin ]
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?
Butters
Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.
Butters
When?
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
You really wanna know?
Butters
Please, it's urgent!
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...
Butters
No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?
[winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.
Butters
Uh, what's the matter, Scott?
I told you, I have to eat every two hours.
Butters
He's diabetic.
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.
Butters
Oh. Okay, thanks.
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...
[Martin unzips his pants and demonstrates his story]
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.
[Martin shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]
[turns away, disgusted] AAAH!
Butters
OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...
[Martin shakes his hips around, as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]
Butters
But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!
If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.
GRGeorge R. R. Martin
Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.
You guys wanna play outside or something?
Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?
The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?
Butters
Yeah.
Butters
That's right.
Yeah, you kind of make a point.
Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?
[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]
Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]
CACommercial announcer
The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!
[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park: The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]
Butters
[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.
Butters
[as Cartman walks up to a stall while peeing in the urinal] I think someone's in there.
No! God damn it, no! Who's taking the shit?!
I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig!
You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Son of a bitch! [walks up to another bathroom stall, but Kyle is already using it] Oh, no. No, no, no! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fat-ass!
[as the drone flies over to the backyard of the Tucker residence] Dude, there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!
[muffled] Okay, try to get closer!
Butters
Okay, uh, maybe that's enough.
[The drone flies towards the window of Craig's bedroom, where Craig is seen sitting at his computer]
Oh, dude, look, there's Craig! [chuckles; the drone moves to the next window of Thomas and Laura's master bedroom, showing Laura getting undressed] Craig's mom's taking off her clothes.
[muffled] Are you serious?!
Butters
Let me see!
Check it out, guys, she's taking off… Oh, my God, we've got full bush!
Butters
Jeeeeezz!
[to Kenny] This thing is recording, right?
Dude, that is Craig's mom's bush, right there! Wait. Wait, what's that? [Thomas has been called over and looks at the drone outside their window when Laura heard it as she stands behind him] Oh, shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller to Butters]
Butters
What do I do?!
Butters
[starting to panic] I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Fly back to the house, stupid!
[Later… Thomas shows up at the Stotch residence and confronts Stephen about the drone spying on Laura]
[angrily banging on the door and Stephen answers] You got a problem, Stotch?!
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about! There was a drone spying on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!
Hey, now, hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.
Horse-shit! Your drone is out there flying around right now!
I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you. [leads Thomas to the garage, opens the side door, and sure enough, the drone and its controller are sitting on the floor as expected] There, you see? It's right there.
So... so you flew it back here in time?
Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They ought to be illegal. I better not find out it was your drone! [leaves the garage]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
