ButtersWhat's this? Whoa... "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker!
JJud
That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
Butters
But this is my last one!
JJud
It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Butters
Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off; doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
JJud
For some of us, maybe.
BOfficer Brown
Butters Stotch?
Butters
Yes sir?
BOfficer Brown
We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.
Butters
What... happened in town?
OOfficer
People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Butters
Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
BOfficer Brown
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
Butters
What? The mummy talked to you?
OOfficer
Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
Butters
There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
BOfficer Brown
A present that the mummy got for you?
Butters
I, I just got-
BOfficer Brown
You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
OOfficer
Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
Butters
No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left!
BOfficer Brown
You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
Butters
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look, officers, I think... I'm under some kind of curse.
OOfficer
Well, that's what the mummy told us about you.
BOfficer Brown
You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and places it on Butters' forehead]
Butters
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
Butters
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
Butters
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Butters
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]
Butters
Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could go to Build-A-Bear today?
Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
Butters
But, they said they're open again, so I--
Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential! Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.
[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.
Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?
Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?
It's kinda far, isn't it?
Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.
What are you talking about?
I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.
Butters
Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!
Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.
[Nighttime at Tegridy Farms; The Black family are sitting at the table with the Marshes as Randy sets up dinner]
Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.
[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.
We've never been to a marijuana farm before.
Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!
Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.
W-what are you talking about?
It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.
Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?
Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.
People have a problem with Tolkien's name?
Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?
My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.
I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.
[shocked] His name is Tolkien?
Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.
[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".
Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.
Holy shit, that's what his name means?
What did you think his name meant?
Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?
[as Melancholy stops and shits on the ground] Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
Butters
Well, I don't know!
You have to learn to control!
Butters
[clicks tongue] Come on, Melancholy, come on!
[Melancholy's boner sticks out with a slide whistle sound effect]
Butters, what the hell is that?!
Butters
What is what? [looks down at the boner; disgusted] Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy!
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.
Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?
Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.
[Outside on the playground, all the kids gather around, watching Bebe beating up Butters to a bloody pulp]
[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!
[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!
I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!
Butters
Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.
WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!
Butters
You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!
Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!
Butters
Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.
Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.
You're lucky he saved your ass!
Butters
Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
Butters
Are you guys just playing around?
No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.
Butters
Then why did you name it DikinBaus?
Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.
Butters
Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back.
[mocking Butters] "So stop dicking around and wasting my money." Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.
[Stotch residence; Butters returns home from work, exhausted, and finds his parents in the living room]
[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?
Butters
Oh. Hey, Mom and Dad.
You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.
Butters
Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.
[to Linda] A long night, he says. [back to his son] That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' paycheck] $0 in your bank account?!
[Linda starts weeping]
Butters
[shocked with horror] What?!
So now what are you really doing, young man?
Butters
$0?! But I've been working every day! (That's impossible!)
Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.
[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!
And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]
Butters
[enraged] That son of a gun!
BBenny
Well, congratulations, young man. DikinBaus Hot Dogs is a big success and here's your first return on your investment. [gives Butters his paycheck] I'm sure there's many more to come.
Butters
Oh, I made my money back, huh?
BBenny
Now what I'm thinking, Butters, is that we should grow your business by applying for a corporate loan, which could pay you dividends as you expand the company into new areas.
Butters
Yeah, I wasn't thinking that. See, all I ever wanted was just to do my job, learn how to work, and help Mr. Sullivan sell ice cream. So, I'm thinking I'm actually going to conduct a market analysis to look for potential buyers and roll over the company as an exit strategy.
BBenny
Well, you could do that but I think you'd have trouble getting investors who will commit major capital for just partial ownership.
Butters
Yeah. So that's why I want to approach overseas investors who will buy the IP, the restaurant operations, and the real estate outright.
BBenny
But you couldn't do that because there's already tenants in the building who have to be relocated.
Butters
Yeah, I thought of that too. Come on in.
BBenny
Wait, so you two have already discussed some kind of deal?
Oh, yes. Butters and I have been talking, and we think that my little Eric deserves to get exactly what he's been wanting for a long time.
Well, I hope you guys learned a valuable lesson. If you mess around and you aren't safe, it can have really big consequences.
Butters
Yeah, I'm not having sex for a long time.
And I'm done with Labubus.
Well, that's good, because as your counselor, I'm banning Labubus from school. And TikTok. And cell phones. Now get back to class. You both have detention for two weeks.
[Red and Butters leave the office, talking to each other]
Butters
Wow, new counselor's kind of a dick.
Yeah, but he's better than the last guy.
[Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are watching Red's AI video of Kyle being defecated by Droopy Dog]
DDDroopy Dog
You like that hot shit in your Jew mouth?
I mean, you got to admit it's pretty impressive. It looks really real.
It's not impressive! It's fucked up! How is this even legal?!
Butters
Nothing's sacred, Kyle. All you can do is fight fire with fire.
Well, then, let's see how Red likes it when we make one of her and Bluey!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
