Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Stan

Mayor, we demand you cancel the bike parade!

Cartman

It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!

[puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?

Stan

It's him.

Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and say it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!

Oh, why does it matter?

Why does it-- Ugh. Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!

Stan

Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.

You know what? Fuck South Park!

Fuck South Park.

Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!

I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."

Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I for one think the world is going to be a better and safer place now that China finally has Tegridy.

Stan

[noticing his father's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh?

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves] Where are ya goin', Stan?

Stan

I'm going to go write another song about you.

Ooh, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!

[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?

How much did you spend making that commercial?

Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.

[furiously] Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!

Yeah. We make money either way.

You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]

I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]

[gasps] Shelley!

Stan

I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]

[gasps] Stan!

Butters

I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!

Stan

Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.

Butters

It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!

Kyle

We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.

Cartman

Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.

Butters

I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.

Token

Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?

Butters

Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]

Kyle

Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!

Cartman

So?

Kyle

So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!

Stan

Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?

Kyle

Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.

Cartman

[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!

Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.

Kyle

Why?

Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.

Cartman

Whaaat?

Stan

Yeah, he wants it.

Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.

When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?

Kyle

What?! EW! NO!

Cartman

Yes!

I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.

Kyle

That is disgusting. Absolutely not!

Cartman

Kyle!

Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.

Cartman

What is your problem?!

Kyle

What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!

Stan

Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.

Kenny

[muffled] TO-MORROW!

Kyle

I said, NO, and that's final!

Alright, students, listen up. I know this situation is not ideal, but we all have to quarantine together for two weeks.

Cartman

This is bullshit!

You don't want to infect your families, do you? You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. [Stan raises his hand up] Yes?

Stan

Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.

Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore, the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.

It was COVID-related.

Stan

That doesn’t make any sense!

Stan

Kyle, I need to talk to you.

Kyle

Hey, dude.

Stan

I'm really worried. About Butters. I think he's sick.

Kyle

You think he got the virus?

Stan

No! It's all the other stuff. The isolation and the uncertainty. I'm just really worried what all the stuff around COVID is doing to some kids. You know, not every kid is like us. There's some kids who really can't take it anymore!

Kyle

I know, this bullshit sucks. But Butters will be okay.

Stan

And what if he's not? What if Butters is actually starting to lose his mind? What if he feels his body shutting down right now?

Kyle

You really think it's that bad?

Stan

[stopping Cartman as he tries to kill the pangolin in the shredder, which is the only hope to stopping the pandemic at Build-a-Bear] Don't do it, Cartman! That thing's our only chance!

Cartman

You're only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!

Stan

You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore and I'm scared what it's doing to me! I'm looking for who to blame, saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is… I just want to have fun again! I wanted to see that I can go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't! I'm not any better and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this [tears well up in his eyes] because I just want my life back! [starts sobbing] I just want my life back… [begins to weep]

Kyle

[awed] I don't believe it.

So, so what happens now?

Now we have hope. We've learned that we might never get back our old lives, but by working together, we just might find a new way to- [President Garrison appears out of nowhere with a flamethrower, burning both him and the pangolin to death]

Don't forget to get out and vote, everybody! Big election coming up! [walks away]

Kyle

[after Cartman hangs up with Ms. Nelson] What was that? You know we can't get into the school!

Cartman

She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle!

Kyle

You didn't even try! He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccines for money!

Stan

And what about you, Kyle? You were the one trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning.

Cartman

He what?

Kyle

Wow. Okay, thought we had gotten past that, but...

Stan

Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other!

Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags Bob White behind him, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!

Stan

What the heck is that?

It's him! It's the chosen one!

He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!

Wait, he's the chosen one?

Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!

[injecting himself] Hey, Garrison, good job!

[as Linda injects him] Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!

[laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

Boys! Boys, you made it!

Cartman

Of course we made it. [motions to Stan and Kyle] 'Cause our broship can survive anything.

Stan

Hello, Ms. Nelson.

Kyle

We got your vaccination for you, Ms. Nelson.

Boys... you really did it. I... I can't believe it. For a while there, I thought I... [she breaks into a coughing fit] Excuse me. I thought I wasn't gonna... [coughs again] ...gosh, excuse me. [she continues coughing and gasping, and later, she dies from COVID, since the boys were too late]

As a teacher, Ms. Nelson did everything she could for her students. So it seems even more unfair that she…was just a few days late getting the vaccine before she died of COVID. And now as Mr. Garrison takes over teaching for Ms. Nelson permanently… I think we should all take a moment to say… Hey! The rest of us made it, South Park! We're on the other side of this damn thing! [all the adults cheer] And so it's time for adults to screw these masks and party like it's 2021!

Guys... I wanna have kind of a tough talk with you. We don't really have any black friends, we don't reach out to the black community. Shelley, you never bring any black dudes over. I mean, Stan, your three best friends are all white.

Stan

There's only one black kid in my whole class.

Yes, that kid, Token. How come you never hang out with him?

Stan

I do hang out with him.

In a group, maybe, but I don't recall just you and Token ever doing anything. I've never seen Token here at the farm, just like, the two of you guys. Why not?

Stan

I... I don't know.

Randy, stop, we're not racists.

We'd like to think that, wouldn't we? But... actions speak louder than words, gang. I guess... I guess I just want you to think about it.

Stan

[approaching Tolkien, while playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.

Tolkien

Oh, hey, Stan.

Stan

Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?

Tolkien

Fine.

Stan

Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?

Tolkien

It's kinda far, isn't it?

Stan

Yeah, but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.

Tolkien

What are you talking about?

Stan

I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.

Butters

Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!

Stan

Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.

Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.

[pleased] Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.

We've never been to a marijuana farm before.

Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close, we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!

Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.

W-what are you talking about?

It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.

Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?

What do you mean?

Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.

People have a problem with Tolkien's name?

Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?

My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.

[shocked] His name is Tolkien?

Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.

Stan

[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".

Tolkien

My name is "Tolkien".

Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.

Holy shit, that's what his name means?

What did you think his name meant?

Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

Kyle

[answers his phone while playing computer games on his computer] Hey, Stan.

Stan

Dude… my head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.

Kyle

Not gonna believe what?

Stan

Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.

Kyle

Yeah, I know it's Tolkien.

Stan

No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote The Hobbit and stuff!

Kyle

Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?

Stan

[horrified] You knew it was Tolkien like the writer.

Kyle

Everyone knew it was Tolkien.

Stan

No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-O-K-E-N.

Kyle

Yeah, dude, 'cause Cartman's a fucking moron.

Stan

Wha-- hold on a second! [calls Cartman's number]

Cartman

[answers his phone while eating chips and watching TV] What's up, dawg?

Stan

Dude, Cartman, did you know that Tolkien is named after J.R.R. Tolkien?

Cartman

Well, yeah, I just figured.

Stan

Then why did you spell it "Token" without the "L" or the "I"?!

Cartman

J.R.R. Tolkien has an "L" in it? That's gay. Who did you think Tolkien was named after?

Tolkien

[from outside the bathroom] Stan? You out here?

Stan

Uh, yeah, hang on a second Tolk-kien, just taking a shit.

Tolkien

Oh, okay, sorry.

Stan

Oh, my God… I suck.