[Lunchtime in the school cafeteria]
StanThink about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?
Stan
He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him; Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]
Well what are you guys talking about?
Stan's calling you a traitor.
Stan
Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
And why do you think that, Stan?!
Stan
I don't know.
Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!
Wuh huh, that's a good point.
I am loving this right now.
Stan
My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!
It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!
Hohh that's low. [smiles]
Stan
Don't you dare call me a Cartman!
N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!
Stan
[talking in Cartman's voice] FUCK YOU, KYLE! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]
[Marsh house; Randy has his gun drawn]
I'm warning you. You're on the wrong side of this. We're just trying to get answers.
[drawing her gun on him] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!
He pulled one on me first, Sharon!
Stan
Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!
Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!
I told you to leave him alone!
God, I hate this family! [pulls out her gun at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!
Whoa! Whoa, Shelley! Put down the gun, Shelley!
You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!
Stan
She doesn't always take my side!
You shut up or I'll swear to God I'll use this.
Shelley, put it down, now.
You don't even try to know me, Dad!
I want to, Shelley! I just sometimes like you hate me!
I feel like you hate me, Randy!
I don't hate you, I LOVE you! I need to be a better husband, a better father!
Stan
We all need to be better to each other!
Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!
Stan
We love you too, Dad. We just wanna know what's going on with you.
All right. I'll tell you everything. [holds his gun] Wow, these things are amazing.
Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and microaggressions against our species. We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.
Stan
[to his friends] This is going to be really hard.
[Outside, boys into the woods, he up the stairs, and Kyle opens the door]
Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [He looks a shovel to a hole dug in ground] Check it out. There's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. [Inside the cabin, Cartman use the computer to show the password] Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side. What's the WiFi called? Is there a password? [Kyle closes the cabin door, and show the tools to bring the Cartman’s electronics] I don't see it. I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know. I think maybe the WiFi's not working. [He puts stuff on top] Where's the box? You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys? There's… no WiFi.
The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.
[Cartman looks afraid]
[afraid] What are you… What are you guys talking about?
Stan
You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online.
Just put your stuff on the table and step back.
[panic] Please! Please don't break my stuff, you guys! This is like, two Christmas and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!
Let's just get it over with.
No, don't take over with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt! I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. We can still just play CounterStrike and forget everything. Oh, my God, there's no WiFi. We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play CounterStrike! It'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please you can't!
Please, Clyde! Clyde, you’re my friend! Please, you, you know how much I need my stuff!
Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman, then he goes to break stuff]
No, please, if I can't get online, I won't have it… I… [Craig stabs Cartman’s laptop with his knife, screams] No, God! No! Don't!! Don't!! Don't!! Oh, my God!! [He knocked on the table and destroyed by the boys] Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!! AAHH!!! NIAH!!! NIAAAH!!! AAHH!!! AAHH!!! NAAAHHHH!!! [Cartman passed out]
[Outside the woods, Token pats the roots with shovel. The boys looks horrified]
Stan
What have we done?
[Cartman screams this instance]
Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.
Stan
I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.
Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?
Stan
I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.
He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.
Stan
Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.
SSwiper
Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.
Stan
Cool. Do you have the Hummel?
SSwiper
This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.
Stan
'Kay, fine.
SSwiper
All right, peace.
Dude, that's really weird.
Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!
Stan
I don't know, all right?!
You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?
Stan
It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
Stan
I had no idea what was going on!
[enters the bathroom] Hey, fellas! Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. Well, see ya, fellas. [leaves the bathroom]
Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!
Stan
No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.
Stan
Marcus.
I told you I'd bring you down.
Stan
Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here.
Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police!
Stan
You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!
Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass!
Stan
It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.
[crying] He was just a mouse… who wanted to make people happy.
Stan
I know. I know.
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
Stan
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.
CHCartman & Heidi
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
Stan
What's going on?
Tweek's having a panic attack.
It was real! He tried to get me!
It's just your imagination, Tweek.
Stan
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
Stan
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"
"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.
Stan
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.
I saw Stranger Things and IT.
Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!
Stan
Some kid shot up the school.
Who shot up the schoo-- was it you?
Stan
No.
Stan
No.
Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?
[pounds the table, angrily] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!
Why are you all acting like this is normal?! What is wrong with you people?! [storms upstairs]
Stan
What's up Mom's ass?
[Later that night, Sharon is angrily and tearfully putting up laundry in the master bedroom]
[entering] Hey, Sharon. You doing okay?
No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!
Uh-huh, and... what else is going on?
Why does there need to be anything else?! [in unison] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
[in unison] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.
Why isn't anyone else emotional?!
Hon, uh… when was your last… I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause, you know, you're… down there?
Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's…
I'm… I'm just… I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.
GET OUT, RANDY! I'm not overreacting!
NNewscaster
Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.
[Mr. Hankey hops into the car, Mayor then closes the door, and the car drives away]
Stan
Where will he go?
He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
[South Park Elementary; Stan had told his friends about living on a farm after selling their house]
So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Stan
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
What are you talking about?
You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.
[confronting Stan with a vape pen] Where did you get this?
Stan
It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.
Yeah, right. My own son using a pussy stick. Don't you know what these things are doing to our way of life?! I've had enough!
Stan
What are you gonna do?
You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
