They stole it! They stole my idea!
Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]
StanDAD!
Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!
Hey, man, what's your problem?
You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!
Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.
Stan
But, Dad…
The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.
[Stan's phone rings in the middle of the night]
Stan
Oh, my God. You gotta be shitting me. [answers phone] Yeah, hello?
SSStan's teenager
[clicking a lighter] I'm not gay.
Stan
Wh-what?
SSStan's teenager
Why'd you call me gay? Like, what the hell do you know? You don't even fucking know me!
[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are watching Kyle and Tolkien's TikTok video on Stan's phone, all perplexed]
What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this? You guys notice that Kyle and Tolkien are doing everything together, lately?
Stan
Yeah, they're quite the little team, aren't they?
Hey, Stan. Guess what? I have some good news for you.
Stan
What?
A little magic fairy told me that you and Kyle are gonna get back together soon.
Stan
I don't care that Kyle is making TikToks with Tolkien.
Yes, you do. But don't worry, Stan. It's almost Valentine's Day. And the little angel on my shoulder says that Kyle is gonna come running back to you any minute!
[Tegridy Farms; Shelley, Stan, and Randy are all in the living room as Shelley is on her phone while Stan watches Randy play Hogwarts Legacy]
See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Stan
Yeah, can I do it?
Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.
[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!
Did you jiggle the handle?
Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!
Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?
Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]
[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!
[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?
Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!
Stan
[disgusted] Ew!
Randy, we need to get a new toilet.
We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.
This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]
Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.
[The adults are having brunch with Randy at the table while Stephen tries out the new Japanese toilet in the powder room]
If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean your half as well as pressurized water. I feel that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? Heck, I don't know, but you know--
Stan
[barging into the kitchen] Dad, can I talk to you?!
Stan? You're back from school already?
Stan
I need to talk to you right now! [they enter Randy's office; closes the door] The fuck are you doing?!
Stan
You need to stop gloating to everybody!
Stan
Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich!
Stan
Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk!
You're stupid. I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!
Stan
How are you trying to help people, Dad?
Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.
Stan
You are not like JFK! You're just showing off!
Nuh-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! You're part of a very respected family, Stan. You should start acting like it.
[Hell's Pass Hospital; The Marshes are sitting in the Waiting Room as the doctor comes to see them for on an update on Randy after he was shot by an unknown assailant]
DDoctor
I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.
Stan
Is he gonna be okay?
DDoctor
He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.
[lying down in a hospital bed; blabbering weakly] Bikkuri… Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...
Stan
Hey, Clyde, can I talk to you?
Stan
Well, um, Wendy just came up to me and was acting all hurt 'cause she think I don't care about her.
[closes his locker] Uh-huh.
Stan
And she said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like… how do you do it?
Stan
ChatGPT?
Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use 'em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks. Here. Check it out. There's tons of ChatGPT apps for your phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second. "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much. [his phone buzzes, getting another text from Bebe] Jesus Christ! [reads her text] "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There. [copy and pastes Bebe's latest text, responding, "No problem! I'm glad you feel supported whether you do it or not."] All done with her stupid shit.
Stan
This is a real app?
It'll completely change your life, bro.
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.
Stan
I didn't know kids could get jobs.
[Sharon and Shelley have all their stuff packed in the car for their Santa Fe spring break trip, leaving Randy and Stan alone together]
Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?
Yeah, that should be all of it.
Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.
I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.
You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!
There should be food enough to last you the week.
Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.
Stan
Love you, Mom!
Aww, yeah! Bitches are gone! [strips in his underwear] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week! Bro, what are you doing?
Stan
[painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table] I'm painting miniatures.
Painting min… Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!
Stan
Whatever I want?
Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!
Stan
Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?
Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?
Stan
You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?
Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.
Stan
Really? All week?
Yeah, dude! You're old enough.
Stan
Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!
MPMale Partygoer
[opened the door] Can I help you?
FPFemale Police Officer
We've had some complaints about a party that's been going on for three days here.
Hey, what's going on? Alright guys, who ordered the stripper?
FPFemale Police Officer
Can we come in and look around, sir?
Oh, yeah! Come on in! [smacks her in the buttocks] Honk, honk!
FPFemale Police Officer
All right, get down on the ground!
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.
FPFemale Police Officer
[tazes Randy and handcuffs him] I need to see some ID, sir.
Ah! Okay, okay! Stan! Stan!
Stan
Yeah?
Can you get my wallet from upstairs?
Stan
Yeah, as soon as we're done with this psyker phase. I have five psyker units.
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing!
[to Stan as they walk down the school hallway] He's gone too far this time, dude. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
Stan
Bro, you just got to ignore him.
Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him when he's saying it all on a podcast.
He actually said that all women are whores, and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
Stan
Look guys, just leave it alone. Don't give him any more attention.
That's easy for you to say, dude.
Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups he's spewing his stupid shit about.
[walking up to them] Hey, guys, who are you talking about?
Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
[off-screen] Hey, here he comes!
[All the students boo angrily and throw paper balls at Clyde as he walks through the hallway]
[passing by] Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!
Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!
Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]
We're not indulging your stupid podcast!
[chasing the ICE police after arresting some Mexicans while making a commercial; shouting] You sons of bitches! Those are my Mexicans! [enters the farmhouse; frustrated] God damn it! [walks up to the table where his wife and kids are working on a puzzle]
[takes off his farm hat] Stupid ICE! They took my Mexicans again! [somberly] That's it. We're done.
Stan
What do you mean, "we're done?"
I mean that with these new rules the government has… we might (as well) just have to shutdown the farm.
Stan
So we can move back to our old house?
Well, don't sound too excited. Our dream may be over, guys.
Randy, having a marijuana farm was your dream, not ours.
You guys never told me that.
SSStan & Shelley
Yes, we did.
We've always backed you, but it never seems to pay off.
I didn't realize what I was doing to my family. I should have always put my marriage first. Maybe we should talk to someone, Sharon.
Really? Do you mean that?
I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.
Stan
Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?
[takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
Stan
So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]
What are you guys talking about?
Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.
Stan
Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
No, the one about my mom!
Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!
[to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.
SCStan & Cartman
[put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.
[blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!
[Stan and Cartman take out their phones again]
Take that bet down right now, fatass!
I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.
This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]
Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
